Jig Along Home

In an effort to remember

2011-09-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

The blog I made for the girls while pregnant has sat since March 10th. I haven't written a thing. I'd like to get back there, as it is far easier to type fast then to write things out but something about the writing that is so much more personal and special. I've tried to write in Juniper's actual journal about her birth and made it about half way and then the real world of having three children set in...so here we are now, 4 months post birth and still no writing. I'm made a pact to myself to write in their journals once a week. Harper starts school soon and will be going three days a week during afternoon naptime. The perfect time, I think, to write. So instead of forcing myself to write in three different journals all at once, I've broken it down to the days that Harper will be gone at school. Monday will be for writing in Harper's journal, one that is sorely due for an update. Wednesday will be for Guthrie and Friday will be for Juniper. They all have weird smatterings of writing in their journals, many times a thought or story begun but never finished. Sometimes I don't even know where I was going with the thought when I look back at it months later. I just really would like to do this for them and myself....to give me a chance to not forget this time in their lives, as it is moving oh so quickly, and for them to get a glimpse into their lives as they grow and to find out a bit of what they were like as little girls. I'm hoping I can at least find the time to write even just a little bit on the days I set time aside to do so, to record the everyday things and the special milestones. Because time isn't waiting up for me to log it all in my memory...time just keeps going and suddenly my first born is all legs and knows how to write her name, my second is no longer the baby that I remember her to be and my newborn is now a chubby rolling 4 month old.

Sleep or lack thereof

2011-09-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Oiy. That was just about the worst night of sleep I have gotten (or not, rather) in a long time. I forget sometimes how present you have to be as a parent, even in the middle of the night. Obviously with an infant you are present whenever needed, noon or night but Juniper has been getting into a rather good sleep rhythm lately and I was relishing it, as the big girls go to bed between 7pm and 7:30pm. But of course, it was not 4 month old Juniper doing the waking it was her oldest sister. Nick and I went to bed a little after 11pm, after watching a movie and visiting (longer than we should have, it turned out). Shortly after getting settled Juniper fussed a bit and she was brought into our bed from her little crib next to my side to nurse and hopefully fall back asleep. And that is when Harper began her hour and a half of coming into our room. It started with a bad dream and a fear of the dark, wolves, and Juniper being eaten. Some cuddling, reassurance, smooches, and a tuck back in with her nightlight was all I thought was needed. Not so. 5 minutes later, up again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I ended up making a bed for her on our floor next to my side, as Juniper was wide awake at this point due to Harper screams and cries of protest about going back to her bed. That floor bed (that also included a nightlight) lasted about 10 minutes. I finally tucked her back to her bed with the knowledge that if she were to get up again, her new stuffed horse would be put away until the next day. Something I'm not too fond of doing or proud to have said to her but nothing else was working at it was nearly 2am at this point. That seemed to have worked and then I spent the next 30 minutes or so nursing Juniper to sleep again and transferring her back to her bed so that I could finally flop face first into my pillow and attempt sleep. I got a little over 3 hours before Harper was up again at 6am. I threw my extra pillow down at the end of the bed and told her to lay down. I was in no mood to be getting up just yet and Juniper was thankfully still sleeping from a brief nursing session an hour or so prior. We "slept" and I put that lightly because it is rather difficult to sleep when your 4 year old's legs as kicking you in the back and you are laying haphazardly on your side in an effort to give her some room while at the same time trying not to disturb your slumbering husband to your left. She woke up finally and fully at about 7:45am this morning and we've been downstairs since. Everyone else is peacefully snoozing upstairs on this cloudy day and I have to admit, I am a bit jealous.

But this all makes me think about my bedtime routine, how I ready myself for bed and how I deal with nighttime issues. Readying for bed is a topic over at 30 Day Vegan this week and I realize I need to be more deliberate about it and find myself a good rhythm in order to get the kind of sleep I am needing. On the nights that Nick works late, I don't have a problem going to bed early and shortly after the girls go down. It is the nights where he is home in the evening and not working crazy early the next day that going to bed early almost seems like a waste of precious time that we have alone together, even if all we do is sit and watch a movie. I crave that time with my husband but boy, when nights like last night happen, I smack myself in the forehead for not having gone to bed after all three girls were asleep. Because today, today I feel a bit like a walking zombie. So I guess it is off to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, figure out what we'll be having for breakfast and make a game plan for how this day is going to play out.

A list

2011-08-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

It took me a few day, only because I got sick with whatever Nick had the other day. It wasn't horrible but enough of being sick for my taste for quite some time. And it takes a bit to recover when you have 3 little ones to still run after.

So anyway way, here I am with a ton stuff to update on. Hello! It has been since March you know. So here we go, a quick little list to say what's been up here in our household the past 5.5 months.
- We continued to settle and love our new place. It suits us so well. This summer in particular it has been awesome to have a backyard that is fenced and a driveway long enough for little girls to ride their trike around.
- We bought a van. A Toyota Sienna. We like it and the room inside is amazing to have with everyone. We often marvel at how we ever, ever fit into that tiny little Corolla even with just the 4 of us. Obviously with 5 it wouldn't even have been an option but for real, that car is like a sardine can.
- My due date of April 17th came and went with no baby.
- Guthrie turned 2.
- Harper turned 4.
- The end of April came with still no new baby. 1 week "overdue".
- We had a great birthday party filled with friends and family for the older girls.
- I went into labor the night of the party day 2 weeks past my "due" date. 30 hours of labor later our newest daughter Juniper was born via a successful vaginal birth after 2 c-sections!!
- Our beautiful 9lb. 4oz daughter had to spend two days in the NICU right after birth due to meconium aspiration. That part was terrible, to put it mildly. I was bummed that despite our success with the VBAC we still had so much extra hospital time and things to deal with but beyond ecstatic that she was going to be just fine. She has had no complication since and is an amazing little girl.
- Harper finished her first foray of her nature preschool. She returns this fall for her final year before beginning homeschooling next year at kindergarten age.
- We babysat her classroom chicken several times. The girls love her and it is beyond adorable to see them walk around the yard with sweet little Rosie tucked under their arms. It is amazing how quickly they pick up on holding her properly and comfortably and have no fear. Finding eggs in her nest was also a plus!
- Nick and I celebrated 5 years of being together as a couple and 4 years of marriage.
- I celebrated my golden birthday by turning 28. A number that seemed so very far away as a young child and one that now seems to be already moving so quickly as a mother of 3. Time is a silly thing.
- I have signed up for a 30 day vegan workshop through Beauty that Moves. It has been an incredible journey thus far and something that I am planning to continue past the 30 days. What an amazing thing to be feeling it change my body in such powerful and healthy ways. It also doesn't hurt that I have lost 10lbs. in the first 2 weeks. And the food is super YUM.

And there we are, a super quick and probably incomplete list of things that have happened in the past few months. Time continues to fly by. The girls grow like crazy, a post all on its own really. But life is good. Sometimes you can't help but laugh at the chaos, like when the dog is continually licking the baby's face, while I'm trying to change Guthrie's diaper (she has sadly zero interest in potty training yet and this mama doesn't believe in pushing the subject) while Harper is squirreling off the walls and all around the house in that crazy "witching hour" mood that means bedtime needs to be soon. And now that this general update is done I'm really hoping to get back here more regularly, I cannot promise every day but I'm hoping at least a few times a week. Especially as I continue to journey into veganhood.

All three girls are in bed asleep at the same time. Knock on any and every piece of wood you can find. This mama is off to snuggle under a blanket with my kanteen of water and watch a bit of The Office season 4.

The end of summer

2011-08-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

That's right. It is now the end of summer 2011. I have not written here since March. Whoa. Lots to update, lots to say, lots to share.

But in a bit.

Right now I have a baby who needs a bath and two other girls who need to get dressed for the day.

Hey, hey...it's March!

2011-03-10T20:16:00.000-06:00

Do I know myself or what? I knew I wouldn't be back here before the end of December and now here it is, nearly mid-March.

I just updated at the other site, which has been a bit neglected as well but we've been busy! We've moved! And who wants to spend the time typing when I can be online shopping for baby things?! Not this pregnant lady!

So, we're just about 35 weeks and counting and I'll be back here when little one #3 arrives because let's be honest...I'm a bit of a blogging slacker...but that is okay...that means life outside of here is keeping me busy and I'm totally okay with that...

Onward to baby time!

Good-bye 2010

2010-12-03T19:53:00.000-06:00

Perhaps a little early to say, but knowing me, this will be the last time I write here in this blog before the end of this year and the start of the new one. So much has happened lately, there is almost too much to write and little want to do so. So here is the basic low-down of what has and what is to come:

- we got in a car accident - everyone is okay but our car was not
- we got a new car - it will be a good commuter car for Nick and easily paid off so that we can get the family van before the baby comes in April
- Harper started preschool - she loves it and the place she is going to is amazing. Spendy but well worth it I think. She has a chicken in her classroom!
- we got our first Christmas tree as a family! It is all decorated and lit up in the corner of our living room.
- we aren't doing Santa Clause with the girls, at least not in the typical "he brings you presents" sort of way. There really isn't anyway to get around him at the holidays so he'll be talked about and sung about but will always be pretend much like the fairies we build houses for outside. Needless to say, some members of our extended family had a cow about this. We don't really care. We decided together and know our girls won't be the only kids in the world not to believe Santa Clause comes into their house to deliver toys.
- this Christmas will be our first alone as our own little family. We had great Christmases these past few years at Nick's mom and dad's but we are really excited to have our own little family day together. Getting our first tree together was a big and fun step for us!
- I am pretty much done with shopping for the girls but we need to finish up for the rest of the family. My side doesn't really do anything..we still get presents from my mom, which is so sweet of her and sometimes my sister gets things for the girls but it is nothing like how Nick's family does it. Everyone gets everyone else gifts...it is fun but makes for a spendy end of December. In order to stay within in our rather strict budget this year, I think we're going with giftcards to certain places and some fun Trader Joe's treats. Doesn't mean we love anyone any less, it just means it will stop me from feeling bad that I spent $5 more on one person than another and trying to make up for it.
- we have our ultrasound for baby #3 this coming Wednesday! We're really hoping to find out the gender and then get cracking on the name search. We have few favorite contenders but nothing that seems solid until hopefully know what the little one is.

For now, that is about it. I'm tired and the girls are fully asleep and quiet. It was a long evening with some overtired and hyper girls. This mama is ready for bed.

I may be back here prior to the end of December but I doubt it. I will definitely be over at the other spot writing to the girls about their holidays and about hopefully finding out the gender of the new baby next week!

I've been gone...

2010-10-14T20:23:00.000-05:00

...from here, because we're expecting another little one in April! (again...nearly the same due date as both girls...totally couldn't even try to plan that one) I felt like crap for a number of weeks and couldn't figure out how to deal with feeling nasty, be a kick-ass mama, and keep our house clean. It took awhile and finally now that I am feeling better, things are on the up and up.

But mostly, I haven't been around here because I have started writing elsewhere due to the wee babe in-utero.

Very much inspired by a dear friend who has been writing a sweet blog during her pregnancy, I am now to be found more often here. It is to all my kiddos, sometimes all at once, sometimes one at a time but for them all...

but no worries, I'll come back now and again here. It is jut now, when I have the desire and time to write, it is more than often going to be for my littles...

Is a title even necessary?

2010-09-23T19:35:00.002-05:00

2 months...that might be a new record. Geesh! I really did not intend for it to go this long without writing but a lot has been going on. Which would make one think I would be on here all the time writing, then, yes? But, no, actually for me it means the total opposite.

Even now, I'm not quite ready to talk about it, so give me a bit longer and I promise I'll be back. In some form or another, writing here-ish.

And, hello...

2010-07-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

I have just spent the last 30 minutes reading back to the very beginning of this blog. Crazy. Harper was not even 4 months old when I started writing here and now, here we are 3 years later and a family of 4. Sometimes I really hate how fast time goes by...

Things have been going well here. I got a part-time job a few days a week around Nick's crazy 50+ schedule and it is nice. It will keep me busy while at work, I get to ride a bike to and fro, and it will bring in a little extra cash...something that is always needed.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm not really sure what exactly caused it, though I am happy to say I finally feel like I've come out of it. I'm thinking that a lot of it had to do with the return of hormones to normalcy because it all sort of began when I first got my period back in June. My body seems to have gotten itself back to normal however, as July brought back the lovely monthly friend again. I tried to remind myself that I actually wanted it and how it is good and normal to have it....but for some moments I was thinking "Why the hell did I ask for this to come back again!?" Periods suck, end of story. I need to get back into running, because my dip in mood sort of hit when I stopped running regularly as well. I think my job will help too, it gets me out of the house a bit and around a lot of other people with plenty of work that needs to be done. It really helps being constantly moving and busy when working, for me anyway...

Speaking of work, the 3 days I worked last week, I lost 1lb. a day. It was awesome...except that I've gained it all back already, the only problem with working sporadic days. I'm hoping that can continue and I can get myself back into eating right and running because I was a mere 4lbs. from being in the actual 10lb. range of my goal weight. That is awesome. And I want to get there, it just takes a shit ton of work....I'm still pretty excited about the fact that I'm below where I was weight wise when I got pregnant with Harper. My body surely looks different but my weight is about 5 lbs. less, which is a great start. Now I just have to loose like 15 more, enjoy it for a bit and get chubby again with baby. =) A reason I would gladly put the weight right back on.

Anyway, that is about all I can handle for now. It is really uncomfortable to stand up and type....we need to get the damn laptop screen fixed already...

Can't say it'll be tomorrow, but hopefully I can write more soon and a bit more interesting than today's...always this annoying "Hey, it has been like a month since my last update...." posts and then I'll write for a few days all nice and interesting and suddenly it has been another month since I'd posted anything again....I am a creature of habit, I suppose....

Updating

2010-07-19T08:51:00.000-05:00

See, again...terrible...I'm terrible at updating this thing. I do have a lot to say, truly, I just rarely feel like typing it all down when I actually have the time to do so.

But today, today I am going to actually update...just not right now, because right now I have to go finish the counter full of dishes. Naptime I shall return and pay some attention to this sadly neglected place.

A long awaited visitor

2010-06-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I think Aunt Flo has finally arrived. Thank goodness. Just shy of 2 months from having the IUD removed I finally feel like a normal woman. I have to say, it was quite scary to not immediately get a period, which is what I expected, I guess. But when AF didn't arrive and didn't arrive and still didn't arrive, I then started reading about women who some 6 -8 months + still hadn't gotten theirs (even longer in many cases!)...and on top of that were having issues getting pregnant. I have to admit I had a total freak out moment...what if that happened to me?! What if I completely screwed up my body by putting that thing in it? I want a 3rd child and all I could think about was how I messed up the chance. So the last month I have settled myself in for the long haul of thinking I'd be one of those women who took forever for Aunt Flo to arrive again. But today, well today I got to sigh a huge relief and feel okay about it all. Funny enough, this is just about the same time of the month that Aunt Flo was arriving the last time she visited (which has been nearly 2 years...no joke...July 2008 was my last period, how weird is that?!) The 13th is only a day or 2 later than usual, which is also nice to know that my body is readjusting itself or at least I think so...

More than anything though, it makes me relieved that hopefully another baby can come around and call my uterus home at some point...That sounds ridiculous...but even if it isn't now or even a few months from now, I at least feel like I have the chance at this point. I don't know when the time will be right for our family to try to add another member but I guess, I'm not even sure if it is something we can plan. Hardly anything else in our life has been and certainly not our children. (Harper was a definite surprise and while Guthrie was wanted in the time period she came, we weren't trying for her but not preventing either)

So anyway, a rather random mostly too personal update...

A BBQ with friends this evening and lots of fun & excitement to be had by all.

Phalates, Parabens, BPA and other crap

2010-06-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

I have become a woman slightly obsessed. For the past 2 years, I'd say, I have been on a mission to rid our lives from as much crap as possible. The sad thing is, it is everywhere. And by "crap" I mean things filled with parabens, phalates, BPA and other such things. Can we get away from it all completely? Sadly, I think not...not right now when the government and corporations aren't doing much and/or anything about it. But for the essential things that we (and mostly my girls, though Nick and my health is important as well) come into daily contact with, I've done my best to get away from the nasty stuff. Some of the final things on my list is sunscreen, toothbrushes, and lotion (and a few kitchen items like cooking utensils & food storage) Here is a very generalized and crude mantra I go by: If it is plastic, it is crap. If it isn't composed of natural (meaning not man made, not the way the poor word is being bastardized these days...) materials, it is crap. Most certainly there are still things to be done,there probably always will be actually and I am by no means saying I'm doing it perfectly... but thus far, here is what I've done:

- 98% of the girls' toys are made of natural materials (ie. wool & wood) from reputable companies A plastic bit arises here and there but those are from Green Toys, whom I trust. Books, well, sadly that is another story but I don't think there is much that can be done, either we don't have books or we deal with things that may not be so great about the ways in which they are created.

- Harper eats from pottery bowls (from my college art fair) and stainless steel plate. Guthrie eats from BPA & phalate free silicon bowls. The both use cups that are free of toxins (for Harper this means pottery mugs, a stainless steel cup & Klean Kanteens. For Guthrie this means Thermos Foogoo Stainless Steel insulated straw cup & sippy cup.....finding the right sippy cups is perhaps one of the harder tasks....seriously........)

- I use J.R. Watkins dish soap & handsoap, I can pronounce the ingredients used and upon looking them up, they are ok.

- we don't microwave ANY plastic.

- we don't use shampoo or any specialized soaps...instead for both girls, Nick, and I, we use Dr. Bronner's castile soap. Little ones don't need to bathe all the much anyway and soaping them up every night in the tub completely works again the skins natural oils. So usually about once, sometimes twice a week (more if they are particularly grubby from play) they get scrubbed up in the tub. If you really take the time to read hair product, shampoo, body wash ingredients you wouldn't want to use them. Not only is that stuff going on your porous skin but it is going down our drains and ending up in our water system. Nick still uses a face wash and I still use a particular face lotion, but neither of us has found something better yet and since the face is such a prevalent part of our bodies, it is a hard thing to make a big leap away from products we know work...someday though I hope to get us on a different track there. I don't use any hair product and with his crazy short hair, neither does Nick currently. I know he uses something when he has more hair but again, I hope it is something we can change to a natural product.

- Cleaning supplies in this house consist of: baking soda, vinegar, water, & lemon. The End.

- we try to eat as little canned food as possible to steer clear from BPA

- though we don't use cloth (I'd like to, didn't for either girl but will certainly if/when #3 comes about) we use Nature Babycare diapers & wipes. They still aren't perfect and still are a disposable diaper but they are compostable and lack a variety of the bad crap found in typical disposables. They cost a pretty penny but it is worth it.

The thing is, as I write this, my mind begins to list a zillion other things I want to change. The problem is having the financial wherewithal to do so. Going green in some cases costs a good deal more money. I'd love to replace our pillows & mattresses with organic but that just isn't an option right now. At least for mattresses. Instead, I'd like to get at least organic pillows, mattress covers & sheets but even that is a huge blow to the pocket book. I'd like to remove and replace any piece of dishware/silverware made in China. I'd rather our clothes, at least the girls be all organic from reputable sources. I'd prefer to use cloth diapers and go 100% wipe free. I hope to make my own laundry detergent. And on and on and on....

Gah....there is so much more. So much to think about and do and research and decide...it stresses me out to the max but at the same time, each thing that I change for the better feels so good. I know I'm doing something right and even though it takes awhile and a fair amount of funds, it is worth it.

My favorite websites regarding safe products, product testing, and green living/product use are the following:

Safe Mama
Simple Mom
ZRecs

There are certainly others and as I think of them I will link to them but these 3 I have looked at time and time again for invaluable information.

For now, I am off to look into new lotions for the girls and myself. They don't always need it but here and there it is necessary and I use it nearly everyday. Plus, it is something that is being absorbed into our skin and I know we can do WAY better than what we have currently.

Blog neglect and typically crappy writing + me = guilty of

2010-06-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

Again, going on nearly one entire month since I last wrote here. Sometimes I wonder just why I am keeping this blog? Our friends were over last night and Tiff talked about her blog and how/why she writes it and it makes so much sense and sounds lovely...Me, well...I tend to be the writing so sporadically that I have to update everything from the past few weeks into one annoying post. I always have things on my mind to write about and expand upon, it is just finding the correct moment where I feel like putting it all down. I obviously have quiet times in my day to day, when the girls are napping or in bed. But most days that time is filled with laundry or dishes or picking up the playroom...or even more enjoyably, reading other blogs. It is such a strange thing because these other blogs inspire me so much, in my day to day life but also in my want to write things down and yet, when my free time comes to do so, I tend to not feel like writing in any way. I need to figure something out to change that. Perhaps a 30 day challenge of some sort...because this place now holds more words and thoughts from my mama brain than any of the lovely and beautiful journals that sit dusty on my bedside table. (but those I really need to get back to as well, at least the girls' books...poor Harper's which is lacking the last few years...oiy....) Anyway, something needs to change a bit so that my time spent here can be more productive and meaningful.

Nick and I are heading out to Chicago for a few days in just a few weeks. I'm so excited for the opportunity to be alone together, though the thought of leaving the girls is gut-wrenching but we all deserve some special time apart. I know that both Harper and Guthrie will have a great time with their Bop & Ga, no matter how much worrying I do over. (and trust me, I've done a lot already...it keeps me awake sometimes if I think too much about leaving them) They will be in safe and loving hands and I will be a few states away with my wonderful husband. It is such an interesting juxtaposition of our lives because it is primarily centered around our girls and rightfully so and yet, there is very much sides to both Nick & I that are selfishly passionate about one another and long for time with just the two of us. It is rare the we get the opportunity to have that time and now suddenly here it is, the first "real" time alone since either of their births where we are going away. Not just to a movie or out to dinner (which are both great in their own way) but instead we are packing bags and getting on a plane. Half of me wants to vomit thinking about not being there with our girls because my daily life is them. We do it all together and can anyone do it like I can? But then the other side of me says, it doesn't have to be just like I do, that it is okay for things to be done differently. And that this time alone with Nick is going to be wonderful for all of us. Will I miss them, every second of all 3 days we will be gone. But will I come back a better, more refreshed, more in tune with my partner mama? Most certainly! And the girls will have had their special time one on one with their grandparents. I'm sure they will miss us, too but we'll all manage. We'll all keep loving and we'll all keep living and at the end of our time away from each other, coming back together will be like licking the cake batter from the edges of the bowl. Sweet & satisfying. My only true and justified worry is about nursing. Guthrie is still doing so at nearly 14 months of age (hooray for us!) but it is so sporadic that there is no way I could take a pump and have a set schedule to pump by while we are gone. So does this mean our nursing relationship will be finished? Will my milk dry up without her? Will she learn to live without it and not want it anymore? Will she be okay without it? (though she won't really have any other option, no matter how much she may want to nurse, mama & her boobs are going to be in a completely different state) I guess we'll see what happens and go from there.

A mish-mash of things

2010-05-13T14:05:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure how the past week went by so quickly but it has and now our "weekend" has already come and gone as well. The weather has been quite crap lately, so we've just been hanging out indoors as a family, playing & cooking. I am looking forward to some sunshine, though, so that we can all get out and about again. And poor Sherman, he needs a good long walk and some playtime to chase his tennis ball. He has been rather annoying lately and I know it is due purely to his lack of exercise.

I celebrated my 4th Mother's Day last Sunday, which is crazy! My first one I was a new mama just about to graduate from college and now I'm a mama of 2! Nick had to work, so the day was pretty much just the same as any other day. No sleeping in or breakfast in bed this year. And that was okay...I love being up with the girls in the morning anyway and the day was about celebrating being their mama, so why spend it with time away from them? Nick gave me the most amazing gift ever...an open mind to a 3rd child. He has been adamantly against it when I've tried to talk to him but he is very much a black and white kind of guy. If he cannot see it fitting in today, right now, then it won't ever. But he took the step of really thinking about it and realizing that he cannot just say no, the future is still the future and who knows what is going to happen? Are we in the best spot in our lives (in various ways) to have another child right now, no probably not but we weren't with our first either. He is thinking future, future, like a few years future....me....well, I'm on a shorter timeline. I don't want to be 30 and having a baby. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I have never felt like that would be right for me. I turn 27 this summer and I'd rather it happen before I turn 28 and certainly before I'm 29. But I guess we'll see. It is nothing that we (or I) am planning but as I told him, if I came up pregnant tomorrow I wouldn't be upset. At the moment, he is far to cautious for that to even be an option, if you know what I mean...and that is okay. And then we'll be done...3 is it. And no, I don't want to try for #3 in hopes of getting a boy....in fact, I would much rather have another girl...but because I just feel like our family is done yet. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my girls and if I were not to get pregnant again, I will be more than happy to be just their mama. Truly. But there is just this feeling that someone is missing...does that sound stupid? I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it is along the same lines as how I felt before I got pregnant with Guthrie...all I could think about was, well, Guthrie...the name, the little girl I knew would come along to have that name and as soon as I got pregnant with her, I knew it was her. She was Guthrie to me from the very beginning...anyway, so Nick has an open mind and hearing that I bawled. It was nice to hear and nice to finally feel like it was okay to keep wanting it so badly.

The girls continue to grow and amaze me every day. The other night while tucking Harper in to bed she said "I LOVE bunnies mama. I love all animals, a lot and a lot!" Be still my heart, how I love this little girl! I think she is going to take after her mama a bit and be a total animal person. She already is really, and I am so excited about that because I still am! Nick has already come to terms with the fact that we are going to be a multiple animal household. He doesn't feel quite so passionate about it as Harper & I, but I know he enjoys seeing us (well, Harper mostly) enjoy little critters. Sweet Guthrie is already on the fast track to loving them as well...she snuggles Sherman any chance to can get. I'm on the hunt for a free/cheap bunny on craigslist and have a few leads but we're not quite ready for one at this point, though I do keep my options open in case the perfect opportunity should pop up.

I have really gotten extremely into our food and what we eat. We eat quite healthy as it is but the other day I just had a total and complete overhaul on things....and I have cooked meals from scratch ever since. Ideally I would like to get ourselves on a mostly vegetarian diet, though I am not entirely close-minded about finding pasture fed animals that are from a local farm but in general, meat has just grossed me out lately. This would insult my father in-law a lot. But there is just something about it that just freaks me out if I think about it too much. Especially with the crap you can buy at the grocery store all wrapped in plastic and you have NO idea where it came from, how it ate, what it looked like, etc. etc. The girls aren't super fond of meat anyway and so lately it has been using up the last bits of the meat we've had in our fridge/freezer and eating mostly whole grain pastas, fresh veggies/fruits, and a lot of homemade goodness. It has been lovely. It is not to say that the convenience of a box of TJ's

I'm about to go start some yeast to proof for homemade bread and then trek downstairs to the super wet basement to do some laundry. I'm hoping the rain will stay away the rest of the afternoon so that we can get out for a walk, even if it is a sunless, cloudy walk, the fresh air would be lovely.

I'm hoping to get a picture posted tomorrow for "this moment", though I haven't taken many lately due camera issues but we'll see.

Back to it....

To us, Thursday is Monday

2010-05-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

As odd as this may seem, today felt very much like a Monday for me but for good reason, I suppose. Nick works odd days & hours for work and so his days off are currently Tuesday/Wednesday. Which means that for me, while the rest of the world is gearing up for the weekend my "week" is just beginning. It always feel like getting back into the swing of things. It is so nice to have him with me and the girls for those 2 days but it also throws things a bit out of whack (but in the best, daddy's home to play with us all day kind of way!) so I typically spend my Monday/Tuesday (ie. Thursday/Friday) catching up on cleaning the house and getting things done. Some weeks I'll be able to get my big cleaning of the house stuff done while Nick is off, mostly because he'll take both girls and the dog out for a good long walk but this week that didn't happen. But some of the days best moments happened while I was trying to catch up on dishes, which makes my "Monday" totally amazing and lovely. Guthrie woke from her nap before Harper, so I brought her into the kitchen with me and got to watch her play with dishes & magnets on the fridge while listening to her chatter and babble away. We shared smiles and chatted to one another and at one point I got down on the floor, soapy wet hands and all and played with the magnets on the fridge with her. Such simple moments that mean so very much to me. I tell you, for as challenging as being a mama can be from time to time, there is nothing in this world more fulfilling to me than getting to spend those simple moments with my children

I felt a twinge of guilt tonight, however, as I tucked Guthrie into bed (she goes down quite easily these days, how long she stays asleep is of a totally different topic) and went into get Harper to bed. Harper is so much more needy at bed time than Guthrie, and so when it is just me alone here, I tend to put Guthrie down for bed while Harper is picking out stories and putting on jammies. So I snuggle Guthrie a bit, smooch her, tell her I love her and lay her down. I then proceed to read 2 stories to Harper and sing her at least 3 songs (unless she request more) and I just feel terrible for not doing this much with Guthrie but I am not sure how to balance getting the two of them settled and to bed any differently than I do now. I would love to be able to sit and read a few books to Guthrie and then sing her songs before tucking her in but I doubt I could get through half of a story before Harper would be hollering for me. I used to bring Guthrie in to Harper's room, read to them both, tuck Harper in first and them put Guthrie down but that just seemed to stretch out the time too much for Guthrie and then she would be cranky and restless by the time it was her turn to be tucked in. My only thought is that perhaps I can bring her in to read with us, give Harper a favorite book to skim by herself while I then tuck Guthrie in and then return to Harper to finish getting her down. I'm going to try that tomorrow night, because I don't want Guthrie to miss out on much needed alone time and bonding with mama, even if just for a few short minutes, before bed. So, I'll attempt the juggle between the two to hopefully find a happy balance that works well for us all.

I have really been in the mood to cook lately, mostly, I think because the weather here has suddenly turned very non-Spring like...or I guess more what April should have been but instead April was warm and full of sunshine. Yesterday I made a cream of mushroom/wild rice soup from scratch, homemade bread and fresh homemade butter. It was all quite lovely, though I always think everything could be better, it was at least edible and tasted rather delicious. I love to cook and bake and while I may not be the best at it, I enjoy the process and hope that most times things turn out at least semi what I was hoping for. In most cases, they do and some cases are even better than I'd have though but there have certainly been a few dreaded, not so great results. All in all, I very much enjoy both the process and the end outcome of getting to eat something that I made by myself. It is a very fulfilling feeling.

I have been trying to run more lately, though mostly just for something to do that feels like a workout to me and not to be super serious about. I enjoy it enough to continue when I feel like it but not enough to start subscribing to magazines and timing myself. Nick and I went running with the girls yesterday and the day before with our jogging stroller. Something I haven't done yet on my own because it was just too intimidating but together, we tried it out and it was actually pretty great. Any fear I had of doing it on my own is gone and I'm not excited for a bit nicer weather to get out there and do it on my own. I certainly was nice having someone to switch the stroller back and forth with though! With both girls and the weight of the stroller, it is pushing an extra 70+lbs. and in our hilly neighborhoods, that makes a big difference!

Harper and Guthrie have begun playing so well with each other, though they also play wonderfully on their own. But seeing their sisterly relationship blossom each day has been really special. Guthrie, who walks on her knees as of late, will waddle herself over to Harper and give her hugs. She also watches everything her big sister does and has begun doing a lot of mimicking, both good and bad. Lately, Harper has begun using the Wii nunchuck as a doctor's stethoscope/otoscope and will hang it around her shoulders and then proceed to check me over with it. She'll listen to my heart, look in my ears, mouth, & eyes and proclaim she is a doctor. And today, well, today sweet little Guthrie picked up the nunchuck Harper handed her and proceeded to waddle her sweet little self over to me on her knees, say "Ahhh" as she inspected my mouth with the controller. It was adorable and she did it again and again, trying so very hard to be just like her big sister. Harper thought it was great and just had a big grin on her face, she even let Guthrie check her mouth, too. It is truly moments like these that I just cannot believe that I am the mama to such amazing individuals...how did I get so lucky?! They are just incredible, incredible people and I am beyond humbled and honored to get to be their mama and share my days with them.

Alright, I'd love to keep doing the general check-in but I'm determined to get to bed early tonight and catch up on some much needed sleep. So for now, I'm heading to the kitchen for a quick snack then off to get ready for bed and I hope to be under covers and welcoming sleep by 8:30. I'll be back tomorrow but just for "this moment".

{this moment}

2010-04-30T08:47:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - Inspired by SouleMama
A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

The fire

2010-04-29T20:18:00.001-05:00

I had my IUD removed the other day and not necessarily for baby reasons. I had it put in last June and when it came time for the check-up afterward to make sure all was well, the strings couldn't be found. I had never felt them and now the midwife couldn't even get a glimpse of them. Great. I was told whenever I wanted it out they'd just fish around with a tool, grab the strings, and out it would come. Uhh...okay, sounds...great...? Fast forward a little bit and I have been doing a lot of reading about hormonal IUDs (I had Mirena) and I just wasn't comfortable with the idea of it in my body anymore. I wish I would have gone with the non-hormonal copper one (Paraguard) right away but, alas, I didn't because my midwife suggested the Mirena as she herself and many other patients use it and love it. I didn't love it. First of all, the lack of periods while in essence is, nice, it is also very weird and not normal. Your body is meant to menstruate each month and when it doesn't, it just feels odd. And knowing that it was because some piece of plastic was up there controlling my uterus did not sit well with me. Not to mention there are slight side affects (though no medical person wants to admit them because there is just too little hormone to do that....ummm...excuse me but if there is enough hormones in this stupid thing to last for 5 frickin' years while controlling what my uterus does, I'm pretty damn sure there is enough to affect the rest of me) that I am more than happy to be without.

Anyway, I had decided that I would get the Mirena removed due to the hormones and also because I had read the chance of the entire IUD imbedding into your uterus when the strings and all are chilling out all together instead of seperately.... and look into getting the Paraguard...until I got to my midwife and she pulled out a tool that look like a 10" long crochet hook that she then used as she preceded to try and get the stupid thing out. She couldn't and it wasn't comfortable by any means. (needless to say, nothing else will be going in my uterus to perform the job of contraception, what the hell we'll use in place has yet to be decided and fully figured out but it sure as hell won't be hormonal or stay inside for an extended period of time...like 5 to 10 years...) So then I had to schedule an appointment with a surgical doctor to have her try to remove it and my midwife suggested I talk to her about trying for a VBA2C, since she is one of my midwife's backing physicians. I arrived at the appointment the other day, nervous as all get out because if this doctor couldn't get it out then, I'd have to have minor surgery, but surgery all the same to have it removed.

On to the doctor's office...when she heard that the midwife couldn't get it out (wait, shouldn't she have read that and known it from my chart before entering the room with me and not being surprised about it when I told her?...) she brought a different tool that I am rather certain had little pincher graspy ends and thankfully, got the stupid little T out of me. So here I was sitting naked from the waist down with a thin paper gown covering my butt when we started the conversation about having a vaginal birth after 2 cesareans. She looked at me like I was stupid, why would I want to have a VBA2C if I only want 1 more child? Maybe if I wanted like 6 kids, then it might be worth it to try but she said "No doctor is going to be interested in sitting with you as a VBA2C patient if you came in at 2cm. I'd maybe let you try if you came in and were in labor and at least 6cm but even then I'm not sure." She then started to talk about standard of care and liability and just a whole lot of SHIT that shouldn't have that much to do with how my child could be born. She flat out looked me in the eye and told me that the risks of a vaginal birth after 2 c-sections is very minimally higher than that of a first VBAC and that the success rates are pretty much the same...and yet, do to liability in the medical world and what is easiest for doctors, not many are even interested in VBACs and most definitely wouldn't be regarding a VBA2C. She then likened my want to have a VBAC and its liability to that of having a trampoline in her backyard and why she won't...because (and I quote) "any drunk idiot could get on there and if they hurt themselves I'd be liable. Even if I was in Florida and not even home." Are you kidding me lady?!?! I kept my mouth shut and just nodded at the words she was droning at me....why is it that we feel this sense of not being able to speak to a doctor. I don't think it is just me...it really seems like whatever a doctor says, most Americans take as god's word and therefore abide. But if I would have spoken my mind at this woman, I probably would have been an irate bitch because the woman had just told me for no medical reason whatsoever, that no one would be interested in letting me try a natural birth and then likened that want and its liability to the hospital and doctors to that of a drunk man on a trampoline.........can you see my frustration there?!?! I just do not even know what to say about it all...it infuriates me to an extent that I cannot fully describe and at the same time it saddens me to my core because women are being told this and going with it, just because....just like I did when it came to Guthrie's birth. And it has to stop. I'm not saying that we all need to be crazy women trying to birth babies at the risk of the child's health or our own if something were seriously wrong but if nothing is wrong and you are strong, healthy and wanting to birth your child, then why the hell are we not being allowed simply because a doctor can choose that for us? A fire has been lit under me and I am more than wanting to be a part of my local ICAN (International Cesearean Awareness Network) and I am very much looking forward to the next meeting in May. I want to attend and soak it all up. It will be nice to have a place to lament my emotions about my daughters' births and to have people who understand my pain, saddness, and loss........but also, I want to be more than that. I want to be an advocate to prevent those same things happening in others. I want to make a difference and I want to do it for myself and other women like me. Things have been running through my mind about what I can do, how I can be of any help to others and I have a lot of ideas but mostly, right now I just want to get to this meeting, find this women that I will have something in common with in a way I'm sure we never would have hoped for but with whom we can now all stand together and make the change for others after us.

The fire is lit and now I just have to take it with me and run.

Celebrations and struggles

2010-04-27T21:26:00.000-05:00

Hmph....as always, it has been quite some time since I have been here. Life is busy, good and wonderful and full of love, but busy! Plus, lately I have had a lot of not so easy to chat about things on my mind and each time I find myself beginning to write here, I leave and give up because I just don't want to go to that place in order to write it all...but today, this post is going to be the post for those thoughts but first...first I have to celebrate. The two most amazing little girls who I am so humbled and honored to be mama to, just had birthdays. Little Guthrie turned 1 last week and Harper is now 3. I cannot even fathom how they both have grown so much and so quickly but here they are, amazing individuals in whole new ways then they were only one year ago. Is it possible to just bust apart from the amount of love you can have for someone? In this case, for the three amazing people I share my life with...I look at Nick and think "My goodness, how I love you!" it just oozes out of every spot in my being and I love him more every day, how does that work?! And with the girls...words don't even begin to describe the love I have for these two..all I can do is smooch them constantly and force myself not to squeeze too hard. Love them...all....SO MUCH.

But with this current joy in celebrating the births of my daughters, comes the sheer pain and sorrow that surrounds the way they were born and thus, my current thoughts:

It is hard to want to change something so badly and yet, have absolutely no control over it whatsoever. I guess I'll start with Harper....Harper was born by c-section at just shy of 42 weeks gestation after I was induced into labor. Long story short, my hopes and dreams of birthing in the birthing tub with no drugs didn't happen. Instead I, a healthy and young 23 year old woman, was put on the typical course of action when it comes to induction and like so many others, it went the way of surgery. But you have a healthy baby, everyone said, that is what matters most and while, yes, this is mostly true, it also very much mattered to me the way in which she entered this world. I felt like I failed...big time....but life as a new mama kept me busy and a lot of my emotions regarding her birth at bay. Until I became pregnant with our second daughter. I was determined to have a successful VBAC...I read all the books, I thought I found the right people and I wanted it so badly...why can't that be enough? Instead, I found myself with a nice midwife but one that was caught in the legalities of hospitals and was told that I couldn't have my VBAC with her...I'd have to transfer my care at the last minute to the hospital so that the attending doctor could birth my child. And it kept going back and forth, yes I could use the midwife, no I couldn't...and in hindsight, I should have just found someone else. A different hospital, a different midwife because no matter how much I liked her, I already knew I wasn't going to get the outcome I was wanting. And I honest to goodness think that all of this had a lot to do with my labor never happening and so, hospital rules, you can only go so far past your due date as a VBAC candidate before a c-section is scheduled. My daughter was "due" on the 16th..she was born on the 21st. My oldest was due on the 18th and was born on the 27th. I'm certain that my body just likes to keep babies in a bit longer than most but, hey, the world says your baby should come out at 40 weeks or else......

Anyway, being pregnant again brought all of these emotions and fears that I didn't even know I had and when my VBAC never even came to fruition...well, the emotions came a'knockin'. I know I failed the first time around, I shouldn't have consented to being induced, I should have moved more during my induction, I should not have accepted the "pain" medications (after nearly 2 days on the highest dose of Pitocin allowed) and I never should have said yes to the epidural (once that happened and the baby's heart rate dipped, as they so often do after an epidural) I was whisked away into surgery for "failure to progress" and "fetal distress"...see, right there on that damn paper it says I failed. And now, after Guthrie....I'm angry at myself and angry at my body. I know I can do it, I was meant to be a mama and meant to bring babies into this world, so cooperate with me, would you?! The worst part is having dreams while I was pregnant with Guthrie that I was giving birth...I literally felt myself giving birth and yet, my awake self couldn't do it......ugh...I'm rambling........

There is just nothing like being strapped down to a table with an oxygen thing shoved up your nose and not being able to feel anything as your baby is taken from your body. You have no part in it...no say...no moment to touch that child as it comes fresh and new from your body. It is horrible to have to look at your new baby for a brief moment over the top of a blue surgical curtain and then see nothing but that damn blue curtain while hearing others, who aren't you, touch and talk to your new little person. It is just wrong, plain and simple. There just really are not any words to describe the emotions a c-section mama has...unless you have been there yourself and it was far and away NOT what you had planned, I don't think anyone can "get" it. Yes, it really is very important for your baby to be born safely and healthily....but where in the world did a c-section become the norm for that?

I've been struggling a lot lately with the want for another baby. Nick is adamant that we are done, I am positive we are not. I want another child in our family regardless but part of my motivation is to help redeem myself and to heal my spirit from the pain that has been caused from my previous births. I want to bring a baby into this world the way that a baby should be....I want to hold him/her on my chest all slimy and warm because I just pushed that child from my body...and while I know that I cannot be guaranteed that outcome, I know that I am going to prepare myself in a way that I didn't before and surround myself with people who can get me to that point, from the get go, not "hopefully by early April we should be able to do VBACs at the hospital ourselves again". Only now, now I have the hurdle of have 2 c-sections behind me to get over and it will be a challenge to find those who will support my goals. So in the meantime, I look around for VBA2C midwives, I'm reading as much as possible from ICAN, I'm trying to get myself in the best shape I can be and all the while trying to convince my husband that just one more is the way to go. It might not happen this year or even next but I'll get there....I have to at least give myself the chance....in so many ways I need it....

New

2010-03-03T20:46:00.000-06:00

We're here, in our new house. I'm tired, I'm frazzled and part of me thinks we were beyond stupid to move. Were we ready to move? Well...depends on how you ask the question. Mentally & emotionally, yes we were. Mark and Carol have been amazing to us this past year and a half but as a family of our own we were certainly ready for our own place. Now, physically...NO WE WERE NOT READY..........and packing/moving/organizing/etc. downright sucked, to be quite frank. Guthrie got sick Sunday night and it was terrifying. Something I'll perhaps write about later, but for a family is has rarely gotten sick and the worst thing was Harper's slight ear infection 1.5 years ago....let's just say, it was a really stressful night.

So anyway, yeah....the last few days have been nuts. But we are here, we are slowly unpacking and getting this place to feel somewhat like our home. I'd say another week or so and it should feel quite nice. Thankfully, both girls went to bed quite easily tonight and I have some time to just sit. I certainly have plenty to do but I am exhausted and it can all wait until tomorrow.

I am glad we are here, really and truly......but I really miss the comfort and familiarity that we had with Mark & Carol's house. I think I had tried to fool myself into trying to keep their place at a distance of some sorts, as it was just a "temporary" place...but, really, wherever those you love are, is home...and the year and a half that we lived there we experienced so much and it really became home..............*sigh*..........can't think about it too much or I'm going to get all weepy while I sit here by myself in this new place with all these new sights and sounds....this move is a good thing, I know it is, it is just going to take a huge adjustment........

I'm off to make a list of a current necessities for here (shower curtain, window treatments, contact paper, more rugs, etc. etc.)

Thank goodness I got the internet hooked up.......seriously......I have no idea what I'd do without it............

Admitting is the first step, right?

2010-02-25T14:59:00.000-06:00

This post about living on less over at Homemade Serenity has really inspired me. We are a one income family (though I hope to contribute a bit here and there with a very part-time job that I will hopefully obtain once we get all settled after our move) and I know without a doubt that we can make it on just the money Nick brings home. The problem is me learning to stop spending it. I think to be aware of it is the 1st step and I am very aware of the money I have been spending on very unnecessary things. Both Nick and I rarely spend money on ourselves, especially now with two children. Before the girls, if I had some extra cash I could and would easily spend it on whatever it was that I was wanting. Rarely did I (or do I for that matter) need something but the want always trumped and I'd buy it. Now, it is all about the girls. I find such cool, interesting, and fun things that I know they would love and I don't stop myself from buying it. There in lies the problem...they are nearly 3 and nearly 1...and have PLENTY of toys. Too many, probably. Etsy is a place of escape for me...my downtime in the evenings or at naptime and rarely do I just window shop there. I find so many amazing handcrafted things that I value so much more over some plastic piece of crap you could buy at Target, that I justify spending the money for it all. Take our Bambolettas, for example, I love them and given the current frenzy for Christina's dolls, I am happy to have them. But 5...no, we really and truly didn't need 5 of them.

The thing is, we really and truly want to live a simple and earthy life. And we want to not feel strapped for cash and we want to enjoy ourselves during our downtime as a family. So, I think what I need to admit to is that no, in fact my children don't need that amazing wooden toy I just found on Etsy. That isn't going to make our lives any better and they will not miss something they never had. It doesn't mean we cannot buy them things but it does mean budgeting for those times and making them special, not just because mama couldn't stop herself from splurging. I don't want them to learn these habits from me...I want them both to appreciate money and to save it. It doesn't mean you have to be a miser and never spend, but instead to be smart about it when you do.

I don't really know how to keep myself from doing the "bad" things and getting on with the "good". I can (and will) delete my PayPal account but I am not sure if I can give up Etsy. Nick and I had talks before, when I admitted to him my spending habits and just how bad they were (the worse part, I control our finances, so it is far too easy to not tell him what is going in and out of our accounts) that I should give up my check card and work only from cash. But we never actually did it, so I think perhaps we should now at this point. Especially now with our big move coming up and bills, bills, bills that will need constant attention. I don't want to be broke and I certainly don't want to be just because I didn't have the will power to stop clicking a damn mouse button and say no to "Pay Now".

Anyway, this is a bit random but these are my thoughts at the moment......and they are necessary because our lives are changing drastically in a matter of days and I want more than anything for us to succeed. And we will. It is just going to take a lot of changing and work on mama's end but I can do it....and I will....and because I have to, for the 4 of us...

My mind

2010-02-24T14:02:00.001-06:00

I'm not even sure what to title this post, as so many things are going on in my mind as of late. Family is still reeling from the death of a loved one and I'm not sure what to do. Everything went from being so happy and good and exciting to gut wrenching, sad, and hollow in one short phone call. Moving from here was going to be hard enough as it was already but we were excited and very much looking forward to it. But now, now it seems nearly impossible to leave my mother in-law here. She is so sad and it hurts my heart to see her this way. I don't know what to do though. It has only been just over a week since her sister passed away and I know she feels nothing but grief. Me being me, though, I want to fix it. I asked Nick today if maybe we shouldn't move yet. We could stay a bit longer and save a bit more money (though we got a very, very good tax return...the core of our ability to move right now and have significant funds left over, that in conjunction with Nick's promotion) and just be here for her. Mostly, I am afraid to take the girls from her. I know having them around has been so very special to her this past year and a half and just us moving was going to be tough but now, now with this extra dose of pain and sadness in her life it seems as though us moving is just going to be another jab to an already broken heart. The logical side of me knows that we cannot put our life on hold, the part of me that is my mother says we should stay and save money, but the vast majority of me is just looking toward the future...our future...our family, on our own. We tried to do something for both her and Mark to show just a smidge of our appreciation for all that they have done for us this past year. Some day, we will do more, as much as we possibly can for them...maybe a big trip somewhere...but for now we paid a few bills (without their knowing, or they never would have let us) and set up a 2 night stay at Mark's favorite hotel in the cities over his birthday weekend. It seems so little and insignificant for all that has been done for us but it makes us feel better to do something, anything...but nothing seems like it could ever be enough, especially now...

I've actually googled the 7 stages of grief, as I haven't really dealt with death before. My papa died in 2008 and that was immensely hard but my family had also been going through a lot of not so great changes and while I was sad for the loss of him and the memories I had from my childhood, I did not have anything good from relatively recent life that involved him. So I do not really know what she is going through, how to deal with it, etc. I think she is going through the first 2 right now and just reading them makes my gut hurt....why do we have to go through this? Why does someone so good and loved have to feel such pain....for that matter, why did Kathleen even have to die? Why now? Why alone? Ugh...it all just hurts my brain too much..........How can life be so happy and good, yet so sad and dark at the same time. How do you move from one to the other when they are both your life at once? Like oil and water, one just sits above the other...add a little shake, a little jog of your mind and for brief moments they are all intermingled...all the same, all you, all your day..your life...but at what point does one skim the oil away and let life be the way it was before, is it ever?

We move in 6 days and all I can think is "I'm so sorry, Carol...."

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

A very sad weekend

2010-02-15T20:25:00.000-06:00

Friday, the day before her 50th birthday, my husband's aunt died. It was extremely unexpected and tragic and the whole family is just in this static/stunned mode. And yet, everyone was making phone calls and flight plans and moving, moving, moving...because I think just to do something helps keep your brain functioning. I didn't know Kathleen that well but what I did know of her was that she was a kind and thoughtful woman. She wrapped Christmas gifts like you wouldn't believe and it was always such fun opening up the big box she has sent here the past few years for everyone. This year she made a number of dress up costumes for Harper and the coolest skirt with owls on it. I was folding that skirt today and I almost lost it...this family is going through such grief and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't handle it well and I have only had 1 person in my life die in 2008 and that was extremely difficult. Death has always been something I have feared and I have vivid memories from my childhood laying in bed and thinking about it too much, to the point where I would start to hyperventilate and my mom would have to come in to soothe me. My mind just doesn't comprehend what it means to be dead....never here again to speak or breathe or touch or think...

At random points throughout the day, for no apparent reason, though mostly when my mind has gone still and I'm not thinking of anything in particular, I keep hearing Carol's voice as she listened to John over the phone tell her that her sister had died. She lost it...and I knew immediately that Kathleen had died, it was frightening and my body just felt hollow but I just kept hoping that she was in a bad car accident and was in the hospital...anything but what I already knew to be true. Carol's voice is just unlike anything I have ever experienced before and it won't get out of my head. And so it begins with her voice, her sobbing, her words repeating "No John, No!" over and over...and then my mind moves on to what it must have been like for John to see his wife like that, to do CPR on her, for Alex to call 911....and how despite all of these pictures around where Kathleen is here...see!, she is right there smiling in that picture next to Carol....that she is, in fact, not here anymore. I want to just sit down and sob like a little child because I just do not know how to handle all of this....but instead, and thank goodness, the bits of my mother that I have in me kick in and I'm cleaning the kitchen counter off and I'm organizing everyone's flights and I'm doing the day to day stuff with the girls because I cannot let this touch them or hurt them in any way...they won't understand....so I hold them tighter, smooch them even more than I already do, tell them I love them every chance I get, gaze at their soft skin and blue eyes and think about how badly I want to be here for them always. And I'm just sad for everyone...this family has lost a member and it makes no sense as to why. But we are all here and we keep moving on.

Everyone but me and the girls are going to the funeral on Saturday. I just don't think I can put them through that when they are far to young to understand. Especially because they are both very sensitive little girls and I really do not think Harper would do well seeing her Ga in such pain. She picked up on the thread of it that was weaving its way through the house since Friday but that is enough...someday she'll have to deal with more but for now, for now I can keep her safe and happy and a few years from now I'll tell her about Kathleen and how she made Harper a costume where she could be her own solar system, where her sweet face was the center of the sun with nothing but planets and stars swirling in the blackness around....

Also...

2010-02-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

our taxes are done. Wahoo! I've got a cart full of books on Amazon as my frivolous spend with some of that tax return =) and I'm contemplating talking my husband into a used camera. I'm thinking of a Nikon D70...? I am just sick of the point and shoot, it doesn't take that great of pictures and I am really itching for something I can do a bit more with. That being said, the ol' p & s has been lacking batteries for some time now and I've gone far too long without taking pictures of the girls and updating our Flickr. We'll see what I can do about that tomorrow....on top of writing out daily rhythm ideas I'll be daydreaming about a camera......*sigh*

Rhythm & routine

2010-02-02T21:47:00.000-06:00

This is something I have been struggling with lately...a soft and gentle rhythm in our daily lives. There is so very much I want to do, ideas I'd like to make a part of our days but for some reason this past year of living here with the in-laws I have been really putting it off. Just like how I didn't take anything out of our boxes from our move to decorate our space (my and Nick's room that is, Harper's is full of her stuff just as it was in Santa Fe) until just the other day. I got out a box of my favorite knick knacks and decor and decorated our bedroom. It feels like us...like home ever so much more now, which is wonderful and yet, sad all at once because it is just a bedroom in a house that isn't really our space. That is not to say that we don't feel at home here, because we do and we are ever so grateful but something that is ours through and through we miss. And something about decorating this space makes the being here all the more difficult...as if it is more permanent now that are things are unpacked and dusted off and hanging on the walls. Does that make sense? Which leads me back to our daily rhythms...I've really put off a lot of what I'd like to do because we are in a home that isn't really ours and I don't want to fully settle in here when in my mind I am looking forward often to our own space. Setting our rhythms here to this house seems too much like we're never going to leave and that is discouraging but also difficult. This is a big house with 2 families living in it together and it makes some things difficult to carry out.

But I'm sick of not doing and waiting for that fated day when we'll be moved into our own place. What is that going to do for now and all the things the girls and I could be doing together, now, with this time and space that we have? Will some things have to be modified while we live here, certainly but putting everything off is just not worth it anymore. I want to have a painting day and a baking day and crafts day. I want to be able to sing songs about what we are doing (without feeling goofy doing it in front of the in-laws...I'm not sure what their take on Waldorf philosophies are...) and have that knowledge for Harper that what comes next is constant and secure. So I'm making a commitment to myself and the girls that we're going to do things differently...better...more soothing, more fun, more interactive...but I'm a list maker and so tonight before bed I'm going to write the most important things that I'd like to do and then brainstorm ways to see them through while we are living here still.

As far as routine goes, which is far different than rhythm in my eyes, my girls are pretty set when it comes to mealtimes and naptimes. 7:30am we're all up. 8am we're eating 9:30 Guthrie is down for her 1st nap, 11am Guthrie is up from her nap, Noon we're eating lunch, 1pm both girls down for nap, 2:30/3pm both girls up from nap, 5pm dinnertime, 7pm bedtime. I think some people think we're a bit crazy to have such a clocked routine for naps and meals but it wasn't something we forced, we just followed their natural tendencies and this is where it led us. If either girl misses a nap you know it...they are the kind of kids that relish their sleep time and I am more than happy to be the slightly reclusive mama for this time in their lives instead of taking them all out and about and fitting in naps here and there, if at all. Like the idea of daily rhythms, their sleep/eat routines are a constant thing, something reliable and unchanging and that is comforting to a child. I'm not sure how many Waldorf inspired families deal with this sort of thing or what they would think about such a set routine for naps/meals but I'm of the firm belief that you do what works best for your children and I truly cannot imagine not giving my girls the opportunity to rest and recoup when they need it...

So anyway, I'm off to write about our daily rhythms and find out which ones will work best with us. I'm optimistic and looking forward to it!

........

2010-01-22T21:35:00.000-06:00

Hmph...I really meant to post often on here but alas, I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I am not a daily kind of blogger. Perhaps someday I will be but right now it just isn't so. Oh well. I'll keep writing here when I find the time and want.

Both girls are happily snoozing and the night is quiet. I'm listening to Pandora. Have I mentioned how much I love Pandora?! Find an artist, make a station and sit back to listen. Love it. I have very vivid visions of us in our new place (whenever that may be...*sigh*...a whole other post) and there is warm sunshine streaming in through a window that has cream colored linen curtains tied at the sides and making the hardwood floor gleam with rich gold. The girls are playing in the living room, I'm in the kitchen watching them while cooking something and on our table with its mismatched chairs and a variety of bowls and bits on nature on it sits the laptop streaming Pandora. I'm not quite sure what we are listening to but everyone is happy and peaceful. Harper gets up to dance and she glides through the golden puddle of light on the floor. It makes her blue eyes shine so bright and the sunshine puts a rosy glow on her cheeks.....

Speaking of this little visions, I have many of them. Like I can literally see spaces of our home to be in my head. The walls, the light, the woodwork, where our things are going to be and how it is all arranged. Maybe it means I'm going nutty being stuck here all day and I often think of how difficult it is going to be to fall in love with a place to live (even if it is just renting) unless it fits what I see in my mind. I just want so much to have our own home. I am and will forever be so very grateful to have had a place to live this past year with my in-laws but I am so ready for one of our own. A place that feels like us. Some days are easier to be more patient than others.

Pandora is streaming some very nostalgic music at the moment. Old memories being dug up from my mind. They make me so happy for the life I have now but feel oddly sad all at the same time. I would never choose a separate path than the one I'm currently waltzing down but, wow, can the lyrics of a song mess with your emotions or what. Time before college, during college, after college.......music is such a powerful agent in memory...in life....I don't think I could be without it and while I wish that I could create it myself (I missed out on any kind of musicality gene, unfortunately) I'm beyond glad that there are others out there that can create some beautiful stuff that says all I need it to say, no matter what part of my life I'm in, it has always set the mood and been that gentle background noise in my mind....like a Dawson's Creek episode.....ahh, I loved that show as a teenager.......

Hmm....I really should stop writing. I'm just babbling and I really have nothing particular to say. Rereading above it seems as though I'm a bit tipsy and drunk blogging...but I promise, all that is in my giant mug next to me is caffeine free Good Earth tea. I'm off to plug in a movie and snuggle in bed until Nick arrives home from work.

I think winter is getting to me. Blah.

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiieee!

2009-12-14T21:44:00.000-06:00

This is the yummy pot pie I meant to post a picture of days ago and yes, it was as delicious as it looks....mmm...this makes me want to cook this again soon. Yum!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-14T21:23:00.000-06:00

Ha! So I really, really meant to come on here sooner and write but time has just gotten away from me. I spend my evenings after the girls go to bed catching up on my "mama blogs" and finishing up shopping for the holidays. I tend to go a bit overboard when it comes to presents and this year I have had a ton of fun. I wish had photographed everything prior to wrapping (the wrapping that I did nearly 2 weeks ago...I know, I'm crazy...) but alas, I did not. I'm happy to say, however, that I am pretty much done with shopping. This does not, however, mean that I am done browsing on Etsy busily finding new things that would be fun stocking stuffers. I have tried to do as much of my shopping as possible from handmade sources (mainly Etsy) and am proud to say that for the girls, around 85% of their presents are handmade. I think that rocks....and you know, the more I think about wishing I would have photographed, the more I realize I can probably go back and find all my orders with pictures to post but I won't be that boring. I will post a few of my favorite things (though, I'll tell you, picking even just a few favorites is hard). So here we go:

For Harper the present I am beyond most excited about giving her is her new Bamboletta I have affectionately named Pippa. (I'll let Harper choose a name for her when she is opened). She has another from Christmas last year named Orly (I named her for ease of her actually having a name prior to Harper understanding how to name something) and we look forward to adding more to our home. These dolls are magical, I tell you. There is something about their faces that just ooze innocence and childhood.

The other "big" gift for Harper is this kitchen from Imagine That Woodshop. We had initially wanted a large full sized kitchen for her but until we move and know where we'll be, we figured this one would at least fit on her play table and be portable. Along with this is a myriad of kitchen supplies, mostly thrifted, like pots, kitchen towels, cooking utensils, and a lovely hand-turned child's rolling pin from WoodTurnAround.

Then there is a variety of fun little things, like Moondrops, MamaKopp owls (LOVE her stuff!), books, a really sweet little backpack, and the sweetest little handstitched squirrels from Wool Food Mama. (she is a fellow Minnesotan! woohoo!) There is even more, almost entirely handmade and a few things that are not...I'm just so excited to give these things to her. There are such lovely options now for good, "real" toys and the holidays are the time when I go a bit nutty for them all....though, who am I kidding, Etsy is my year round friend. =)

For sweet little Guthrie, who will probably love the bows more than anything, I also did mostly handmade aside from a few Haba purchases. My favorite for her is from one of my favorite Etsy shops AuntBoosBabies. I adore Barbara's babies and this is our 4th of her little sweeties for us (though I've gotten others as gifts...which, I have to say, they are super hard to give away...I just wanted to keep them all for Harps!) So this sweet little babe will be coming to my sweet little babe (and hopefully becoming her lovey).

Also for Guthrie are these adorable little wooden rolly animals from The Wood Garden. They are smooth and roll very nice and are just the right size for chubby little hands to push around.

My final favorite (and newest purchases) for Guthrie are from another fellow Minnesotan Etsian Simply Playing. These two knitted wool gnomes are a great size to be loved up by a baby and toted around as she grows. Ann keeps putting up more great colors in her shop but I have to force myself to stop (for now, anyway).

All this along with a few other things (books, music shakers, felted wool balls) round out Guthrie's presents. I have had so much fun shopping for both girls (well, everyone really) and I look forward to the fun that all of these new toys will bring. The best part is that as a stay at home mama, I get to see and experience and be a part of their play everyday and I know all of these things will become well loved and cherished toys.

Bring on December 25th!

Winter has come o'callin'

2009-12-08T18:55:00.000-06:00

A blizzard is hitting us here, though I think we'll be getting a lighter end of the deal than those to the south of us. I'm not such a big fan of winter but oh well, ;tis the season. I intended to write yesterday but I got a little carried away with reading this blog. Some really amazing and thoughtful things to be read there. It was also Nick's day off and so we all just enjoyed each others company with a few trips out to get groceries and my little sister a birthday card. And then I proceeded to make a very yummy whole wheat chicken pot pie. It was delicious, aside from a slightly too thick and chewy crust, it was all very good. I have some pictures of it that I'll try to get up later after bedtime. But back to that website, The Parenting Passageway...it has really made me thoughtful about a number of things, specifically our daily rhythms here at home. We have an alright rhythm going right now but it mostly involves naptimes and mealtimes and everything else is sort of at the wayside. I'm learning that even things like a certain time of day to do our baking and playing and reading and cleaning all needs to be set out into it's own rhythm. As an adult, this can sometimes be tedious to do the same things every day at the same time, yet allowing myself to see it through the eyes of my children makes it new and exciting and special. Because I am a list sort of person, I think I am going to make a little chart for us to use as a guide and reminder. And the biggest thing I feel we need to change is no t.v. Prior to moving into my in-laws home (where we have been for the past year) we didn't have t.v. We have a but we, meaning Nick and I, used it to watch movies and didn't let Harper watch anything. And then she got to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer last Christmas, a gift from her Gaa and it sort of snowballed from there. Were we not here, I know for certain that we wouldn't watch t.v. and it wouldn't be a problem but for some reason, while we've been here we have been far, far more flexible in our original plan of no t.v. than we ever thought we'd be. There are some days where I just feel completely overwhelmed or tired and I just want to turn it on and not worry about moving for 30 minutes...but when I really think about it, how terrible! How terrible to waste that 30 minutes or more of my life and my child's life watching things bounce around on a screen rather than interacting with one another. This is why I think have a more structured and set daily rhythm will help fill those times when out of desperation I push the on button and take a seat.

I have a lot more that I'd like to talk about but I punctured my right hand between my pinky and ring finger due to a wine class that I was washing breaking and now it is aching something awful. Tomorrow is Nick's other day off for the week and I'm planning on taking pictures to document our well loved "daddy day". I'll do my best to put up pictures of the pot pie tonight before bed but it will most certainly be after watching The Return of the King with Nick after Harper goes to bed (sweet little Guthrie, who hardly napped today for unknown reasons, is already very much asleep).

Stay warm and cozy this winter night wherever it may find you. (perhaps some place warm and sunny...in which case send a little of that sunshine vibe my way, eh?)

Things are a looking a little different around here

2009-12-06T17:51:00.001-06:00

So, there are a number of changes going on around here on this blog! Name change, layout, and purpose have all drastically changed in the last day. Well, purpose maybe not drastically but some...So here is the deal, I am very inspired by a number of mama blogs that I read each day (when I can squeeze in the time!) and they have all made me want to focus more on my own blog. Instead of just being a place where I pop in here or there to update on our lives, I really hope to make this place a spot where I can come daily to muse about our lives and they things were are hoping to do with them, specifically so for the girls and for my creating/crafting things. I'm very inspired by Waldorf philosophies and we are planning on homeschooling our girls with many of the things that it teaches. I want to use this place to document our learning process of Waldorf and homeschooling and getting back to basics of living and learning. So hopefully this place can do all that for me and help me reflect on our daily rhythms of life through words, pictures, and ideas (and hopefully sharing some of my creations at some point as well!).

I'm in the process of deciding if I want to keep all of my old postings up or if I should take them off of here. For now, they will stay until (or if) I feel differently.

So beginning tomorrow, I'm hoping to begin my new "life" here on this blog. Won't you join us?! It is sure to be a fun and entertaining ride while we live and love...and of course, jig!

And why "Jig Along Home", you may ask? Well, because we dance our own little happy jig everyday and it always brings us back to our hearts and thus, our home.

In the midst of updating, I swear!

2009-12-06T17:34:00.000-06:00

I'm in the middle of revamping around here a bit. New colors, new pictures, etc. etc. and of course a new post. It will be here soon! And I'll do my best to update more than once every 2 months...eesh!

My apologies dear blog for neglecting you so....

2009-07-14T13:01:00.002-05:00

Obviously it has been over 2 months since my last post and rightfully so, as having 2 children is certainly a handful. A wonderful, smiling ,cooing, big blue eyed handful that leaves little time for blogging. Although recently I have gotten both girls onto the same afternoon nap routine which is awesome and affords me some mama time. I spend it doing laundry, napping, or reading my favorite mama blogs but today I thought I'd finally get back here and update on our family and a few things I have been thinking about recently.

First off, Guthrie is doing wonderful. She is now 7 days away from turning 3 months old...a fact that gives me a catch in my throat and a tear to my eye. How much this little girl is changing and so very fast! She is cooing, laughing, grabbing her toes, watching her hand, trying to roll over, interacting with toys, loving to sit up in your lap, loving books, and has become an official finger/fist/thumb sucker. I love it....all of it, every little bit of her and I daily marvel at how lucky I am to be a mama of such beautiful and special little girls. Harper's vocabulary has at least tripled in the last 3 months and she chatters away constantly. Lately her "k"s have become "t"s (a common thing with toddler that I'm curious to find out why) so sometimes if she says something and you aren't sure what it is, you have to try and change the letters in your mind to find the word she means. Mostly, it is quite easy to do like with "duct" which is duck. She is really developing into a little girl and has left toddlerhood behind. We spend our times quietly tucking as much as we can around Guthrie's naps. Lately are favorite thing to do is walk down the stream behind the house. Guthrie goes in the wrap while Nick, Harper and I put on our water boots and away we go. We've seen crawfish, tadpoles, snapping turtles, minnows and birds galore...an awesome opportunity to show a 2 year old girl who loves the outdoors. Harper and I have also gotten into baking together and bake something at least twice a week. It tends to be our favorite vanilla cupcakes now deemed "Harper's Cupcakes" for she loves them so. (as do I!) They are so yummy and we eat them without any frosting and usually fresh of out of the oven...they have a nice crispy like outside....mmmm...so good!

I have begun journaling in a book for each girl, trying to highlight special things going on. I have some catching up to do with both but particularly Harper's, something I hope to get done in the next few days as the special moments with her are just as important to me to write down and remember as Guthrie's baby moments are. For example, the other day Harper and I were picking ripe black raspberries in the evening before bedtime. They were warm and juicy from the sunshine but the bugs were bad and kept flying in my face so I kept swatting and blowing them away which made Harper laugh so hard that she snorted. It was one of those most genuine and pure joyful belly laughs that makes my heart just explode with joy and love for my child. She is an amazing kid. One of her newest things she does is come running at you with her arms wide and she'll grab onto your knees and say "Iiiiiiiii Gotch You!" She is a very tender soul as well and dotes over her baby sister, checking her diaper, patting her back, and lovingly caressing her sweet baby face. I never feared not having enough love for two children but I wasn't quite prepared for how much more I could love all the members of my family. Seeing Nick as a daddy of two makes my heart expand even more...the way he talks to his girls and loves them just makes me love him all the more and Harper...my goodness how I didn't think I could love that little girl anymore but then she became a big sister and watching her love Guthrie and interact with her just makes me love her so much more as well. This familyhood of 4 has been such a wonderful experience and I enjoy it everyday. Certainly there are days where I'd like to sleep more and not have to worry about the last time Harper used the potty (did I mention that she is potty trained now!? Out of the blue back in June and she hasn't looked back since...it is AWESOME) but then all I have to do is look at my family and it makes those little things that seem to be too much sometimes become so little. Guthrie isn't going to stay a baby for much longer and someday soon I'll be getting a solid night of sleep but I'll be missing and longing for those quiet moments at night between us while she nursed. And the mere fact that Harper is already potty trained and doing such a great job at it makes me beyond proud as a mama and realize that someday her innocence and excitement over pooping in the potty will be gone, I'll no longer hear her squeals of glee and exclamations of "I pooooooped!" And so I'll keep an eye on the clock and take her to the potty whenever she needs to go and will clap and be so proud each and every time she uses it....because right now, these moments are the most special ones in my life.

This is she

2009-05-09T13:09:00.005-05:00

Born April 21st at 1:40pm
7lbs. 13oz.
22in. long

Guthrie Sue

She is an amazing addition to our family. A sweet and beautiful little girl who is adored by her big sister. Nick is back to work, which makes it a bit difficult to get by with an active toddler and nursing babe but I'm learning and we're figuring it all out. It is hard to believe she is nearly 3 weeks old now. Time flies and I really really don't want it to. I'm trying to drink in this newborn stage everyday and to etch the sweet voice of Harper saying "Hi you, hi you!" every time she sees her sister into my memory.

Life is grand and the internet is a scarce memory...meanwhile Harper has turned 2 (!!!) and our lovely friends came to visit. There is much to talk about and I'll get back here whenever I can but most of the time I am snuggling my girls and loving every minute of it.

Baby day in t-minus 16 hours and counting...

2009-04-20T20:48:00.002-05:00

It has been 2 months since I wrote here...actually, to be fair to myself, I've started a few posts and then either close out of the page because I don't feel like writing or I save the post as a draft that I never return to. In any case, here I am now with a lot on my mind and so I'll type away as much as I feel I want to say and hope that I will frequent this place more often afterward.

As of tomorrow at 1pm, I am going to be a mama of 2 little girls. After all of our midwife appointments and VBAC hopes, it has been decided by us all that it is in the best interest of this little girl to be born now...which means a repeat c-section. It feels very bizarre to schedule the time that your child is going to be born and I'm not all that comfortable with it but all in all, what I want is a healthy baby girl and to wait any longer isn't going to be that way. She is ready now, my body just doesn't like to go in to labor. In the words of my midwife I have a "crappy cervix". I wanted it to be better and do its job but deep down I think I've always known it would end up like this. Despite all my wildest hopes and dreams (and I literally mean very intense and realistic dreams where I could feel myself pushing out my child even though this sensation I never have felt...) pushing our daughter from my body into this world isn't going to happen. It makes me a bit sad to be quite frank about it and I know I still have issues about my labor and birth with Harper but I also know that it isn't worth it to be stubborn and I cannot force something that isn't going to happen in a safe way. I just keep reminding myself that no matter what, she is being born...her birth is still a birth whether or not she comes from my birth canal or out an incision in my abdomen. Her first breath will still be her first breath and her first cry will still be her first cry...and these are the things I am looking forward to and trying to remind myself are really the important things. To have her here and born, the end result of these last number of months, this is what I am going to look toward. Holding her, feeling her warm skin against my own, nursing her and looking over every little bit of this new person...I cannot wait to meet her.

On the other hand, leaving our first born to welcome this new little one is going to be difficult for me. It is Harper & I all day, every day together and it is very hard for me to let go of my mama role and hand over my duties to someone else, even if just for a few days. It is going to be difficult being away from her and there is just no if, ands, or buts about it...

Because we are rather certain this will be our last baby, I'm trying to get myself in the nostalgic mode of remembering this pregnancy. I didn't document my belly like I did with Harper, which I know regret not doing, but these last few hours of growing another human being inside me I am trying to relish. Feeling her feet stretch my belly and watching her movements from the outside...while I'm struggling to be comfortable in any sort of position lately, I am also reminding myself to drink in all of these experiences for they very well may be my last of this kind. My body feels a bit more beat up then it did with my last weeks of my pregnancy with Harper. Although I also wasn't chasing after an energetic 2 year old at the time, so that I'm rather sure has quite a lot to do with it.

Overall, I just cannot wait to meet this little girl. To touch her and know that all is well. That she is finally here in our lives and those lives are forever to be changed in a way that we can never imagine but will fulfill our wildest dreams in every possible way. There is no shortage of love in this family and we are ready for our hearts to grow all the bigger as we welcome our newest member. So "Cheers!" to our last night as a family of 3 and a big "Hooray!" to the day that welcomes us into a family of 4.

And to top all this off, Harper turns 2 a week from today! Life is amazing and good and we are so lucky.

Here is my guess as to all the details of this little one (we're taking the laptop with us to the hospital, so hopefully we can upload pictures and details asap). =)

8lbs. even
21.5 in. long
lots of light brown hair
blue eyes (I know all babies are born with blue eyes, but I also know that you can tell pretty soon after what color they will be, especially if they are going to turn brown, the blue gets pretty dark & muddy looking)
cheeks like those of her big sister (that are still prevelant and amazingly adorable 2 years later)

Note to self: soak it all in and love every minute of these next few days...life doesn't get much better than this and you are one lucky woman to be surrounded by such love.

The good vibes made their way to the necessary places...most likely...

2009-02-19T21:34:00.002-06:00

We went into our midwife appointment today with the mindset that it was probably going to be the last one with her due to the whole hospital/VBAC/transfer to an OB doctor thing but we happily found out that they have made the proper compromises and everything will hopefully be a go after the hospital group's board meeting on Monday. It means having to consult with an OB Dr. more times that I would care to but if it gets me to my hopeful end result of birthing with our midwife, then I am more than okay with it. So I had my first consult with one of the hospital's OB doctors today as well and it went okay. It just made it all the more obvious why we are choosing to go to a midwife in the first place. Where my midwife was okay with the fact that I gained 12 lbs. in the last month and a half (.........yes..............12 lbs. in merely over a month) and telling me that my baby needed it to grow, the doctor was pulling out BMI charts, asking me what I eat and telling me I need to cut back on things....so there's that. I weigh right now what I did when I gave birth to Harper and I still have up to 2 months to go here, so I hope to all things good that I don't continue to gain weight on that level but at the same time, how often do you grow another human being in your body and really....it isn't meant to be cake and you aren't meant to look the same, feel the same or be the same during and after your baby arrives. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. But anyway, overall, everything looks good and our hope of birthing with the midwife we have been seeing is becoming more and more real everyday. The other place is still in our books just in case we end up having to switch after next week but send out those good vibes again for us and hopefully they will do the job all the way Monday morning.

In other news, I spend far too much of my time in the evening after Harper goes to bed and while waiting for Nick to return from work, online browsing for baby/birth/mama-hood kind of things and I'm going to show a small list of stuff that is on our "to buy" list before or shortly after the baby arrives. I know this may not interest anyone beyond me but I've been meaning to make myself a list of these things lately and I figure this is a good way to do it, while I'm online and can directly link to the stuff while making my list.

1. Milkies. These have got to be the best invention for a nursing mama yet. I actually keep thinking to myself "Why the heck didn't I come up with this!?" They are basically little nursing pads that instead of soaking up the leaking milk from the breat that is not being nursed, it catches & holds it in this little container that you can then save. Because the thing is, no matter what, every time your baby latches on both of your breasts let down and while one gets nursed, the other is leaking milk that is just wasted by being absorbed into a breast pad or towel or your shirt. And sometimes it can be as much as (or more than) 4oz. of wasted milk! So yeah, for a mama who plans on nursing for a long while (hopefully longer than Harper chose to, which was 10 months) these things are going to come in handy. Especially for those first few weeks & months where your boobs go nuts and a milk machines while trying to work out exactly what kind of supply they need to be creating.

2. Moby Wrap. I love(d) my one shoulder slings when Harper was a newborn & up but all the pressure on one shoulder gets real old after awhile and who wants to disturb a sleeping baby when trying to wiggle & adjust a sling to hopefully remove that crick from the back of your neck. Now these wraps do seem a lot more involved in terms of putting on and wearing but they also seem way more comfortable and worth the hassle. Plus, thank goodness for YouTube, there are many video tutorials from other mamas with tips on how to put them on properly. Because I'll be playing with and chasing after a certain 2 year old quite often, I think having little baby #2 all snuggled up and able to go wherever with us will be quite helpful.

3. Cricket Creation's Snuggle Sac. Not a completely daily use functional item but so beyond adorable that I want to have one just to take loads of pictures of our new little bean. Plus, we want to get professional photographs done of both her and Harper and this is pretty much one of the loveliest photo props ever.

4. A really neat and unique baby blanket. I don't have a link to this because, well, I haven't found one I like yet. I'm actually contemplating making one myself, which is what I am pretty sure will happen. I also am on the lookout for a crib bumper that I could somewhat match a blanket to but I don't want a set. I want the blanket to be the baby's blanket...not just a swatch of fabric hanging over the back of her crib...which is what the blanket from Harper's crib set became. She has never used it as an actually blanket...not once. So this time I think I'm going to make the blanket and buy a solid bumper & multiple sheets that can at least somewhat match but actually have the blanket be usable and her special blanket, like Harper green one that was gifted to her has become for her. I'm hoping to go fabric shopping this weekend and after trying one out for the new baby, if all goes well I'd like to make one for Harper as well and a few friends who are having babies in the coming months but that is only if attempt #1 goes alright. Which it should, if I can recreate the awesomeness that I picture in my mind....

5. A sheepskin for the baby to chill out on around the house. Not for use in her bed, as I am fully aware of the dangers of extra things in bed with a baby but I really like the idea of using a natural product like a sheepskin for allowing your baby to lounge around on, especially a sheepsking because wool is a great natural fiber. My only problem has been finding anyone online who sells them...this is one of the few places I have found, especially for the kind of skin I'd like, which is from a farm and not some mass produced factory that does any bleaching or dyeing of the skins.

I know I have more things on my list but after writing down the sheepskin I started googling and searching on Etsy and have actually found some on Etsy! (though I've been looking on there quite often lately, which is weird) So I'm off to look at sheepskins and wait for Nick to get home from work.

More Harper videos and pictures to be up on Flickr soon!

A long overdue catch up on all that is our lives

2009-02-16T19:32:00.002-06:00

So I truly have every intention of writing in this blog more often than I do. I've come to the blogger posting site more times than I can remember in the last month and half and each time i start to type something I think it isn't worth writing it all out. But alas, at some point I suppose I do need to actually update this thing and try to fit in everything at once just to get it done otherwise this update post will just continue to get bigger and bigger and I will continue to put it off longer and longer. So this will be random and just a smattering of things going on here in our lives.

First off, I'm now 32 weeks pregnant. 32 friggin' weeks...which means, really, I could have a new baby in my arms healthily anywhere from 4-8 weeks from now. Uhh, excuse me, world? Where the hell has time gone?! Because really, there are some days where time seems to go so excruciatingly slow that I fear the next day will just never show up and then suddenly it is like 4 weeks later and I'm trying to figure out how Harper got so big and when did my belly protrude even further out?! (for the record, I can no longer see my feet and I'm consistently measuring 2-3 weeks larger at my midwife appointments than I actually am...awesome....) In many ways the quickness of these past few months is an alright thing but then I think of goals I tried to give myself and realize that 6 weeks ago was when I gave them. Like with this pregnancy I've hardly taken any pictures of my belly....any. The progression of the internal growth of this child is spastic in pictures. While with Harper I took a picture every single week. I mean really, how hard is it to snap a picture of my gut, right? I guess, as I write this, that I realize it mostly has to do with how I feel about my stomach this time. Lovely and awesome that it is growing our newest child but gross, flabby and stretch mark ravaged to the point where I don't really want to look at it in pictures.

In other baby related news, we got to see her on 3-D ultrasound back in late January. It was pretty amazing and surreal to see the actual shape of her. We could see the wrinkles on her feet...the wrinkles on her feet, in utero! I would not have paid for it myself and I know a lot of people have weird opinions on the use of ultrasounds but as it was a gift from my mom for Christmas, I went with it and was happy to do so. It was pretty friggin' amazing to see her. Now I almost want to see her again before she is born to see how much she has changed since the last go around but I think perhaps that is the point of waiting to see her when she is born, for that ultimate "You are my child and this is what you look like" experience. According to the pictures, she is going to have lots of hair...or apparently that is what all the bumpiness all over her head means translated through 3-D. We'll see. In frustrating news, we may have to switch midwives & the hospital we would have been delivering at, as the hospitals currently isn't allowing the midwives to attend a VBAC birth. They are currently saying they will require the transfer of the patient to an OB's care once labor begins because they don't want to have to staff someone in case of an emergency with a midwife attending in case the emergency never happens and then the doctor would be there for nothing............UHHH....except to give me the chance to birth the way I want with whom I want...but hey, that doesn't matter to them. So, blah! We have another appointment this Thursday and will hear the final outcome and make our decisions. The annoying part is that if we have to switch, it means driving even further in to meet with a different midwife who delivers at a different hospitals. We could save ourselves the trouble and go with an OB doctor but really, for the experience we are hoping for, a midwife is the way we want to go. I'll update on that as soon as we find out what is going to happen. Cross your fingers and send some good vibes out that the hospital will change its mind.

Harper is doing great. She is growing up so very much, which is awesome to experience and yet sometimes very heart wrenching. She cannot be mere months away from turning 2 years old...it just isn't possible. She is really using a lot more words these days and communicating much better than before. She certainly still goes off on her little Harper language speaking jaunts often but really overall, she is trying new words almost every day and experiencing the satisfaction of saying what she wants or needs, being understood and have those wants or needs met because of it. She has officially learned her colors and can point to things in catalogs, books, or even with toys when asked for a specific color. Lately she has also been identifying the colors as she using that particular crayon. It is amazing to watch her little brain at work and see growth in her abilities on a daily basis. I'm getting really excited to watch her be a big sister (though a bit anxious and nervous as well, I might add) and hope that the transition from a family of 3 to a family of 4 goes smoothly for us all.

Nick is also doing well. Working hard, which I appreciate so very much. Hopefully a full-time opportunity will be presenting itself in the coming months as he has expressed interest and they have been showing/training him in some of the full-time tasks. It would mean wonderful things for our family if that happened, so we are both keeping our fingers crossed and he is working hard. I couldn't be more proud of what a wonderful and dedicated husband and father that he is for us.

I'm sure there is a lot more to update on, actually I know there is but my contacts are beginning to stick to my eyes and I'm completely beat. I'm trying to decide between a bath or Jon & Kate Plus 8...

Until next time...and hopefully it won't be quite as long as it previously was.

2009

2009-01-02T20:31:00.002-06:00

It is a sad truth that once you have children time seems to pass all the faster. I am finding it very hard to believe that it is already 2009. Where have the last few years gone?! It is so wonderful to watch Harper grow into this amazing little person but wasn't it only yesterday that she was just an infant in my arms? And now she will be turning 2 in just a matter of months and a new little girl will be joining our family within the same time frame. I'm so thankful to be home with Harper and get to soak up all of this amazing time with her and remember her as this ever changing and amazing little girl.

That being said, 2009 has a lot in store for us! Obviously a new baby to join our family and hopefully we'll be getting into our own place sometime after she is born. My hope for our little family is to get some footing under us and have some good opportunities in work and life.

I'm certainly a list maker but not so much of a New Year's resolution kind of girl, though there are a few things I'd like to begin doing and the start of a new year certainly seems like a good enough time to begin doing so. But list will come another day for right now I'm going to go watch Mad Men with my husband and enjoy the quiet night.

Happy New Year and may 2009 bring you all your hopes and dreams for yourself and your families.

Peace, love, and happiness

2008-12-24T13:36:00.002-06:00

Happy holidays to everyone! Whatever you may celebrate (or even if you don't) I wish you all joy and love during this season. May the end of 2008 be a loving and special one for you and yours.

And may 2009 bring you all peace, love and happiness.

Snow!

2008-12-20T22:15:00.002-06:00

It has been snowing all day here, though where we are it hasn't begun blowing like further south in the state. I'd say we have 6-8" of snow, though possibly more. Earlier today I took the snowblower out and cleared out the driveway...which I'm sure had my father in-law known it would have given him a heart attack...it is his snowblower and his job to get the snow cleared out in the proper way. Thankfully it all blew in again by this evening, so he couldn't see that I didn't do it like he does and that he has the chance to do it himself tomorrow. =)

The holidays are coming up, which is always a nice time of year. The dining room table is full of presents (to keep them out of reach from a certain little girl). I don't think Harper would have bothered the presents much in terms of trying to open them, until she got the opportunity to open a gift early (snowpants and jacket from Gramma and Grandpa) and figured out that ripping paper is fun. So all the gifts are sitting patiently atop the table to be put under the tree when she goes to bed on Christmas Eve. I look forward to seeing her eyes light up when she comes downstairs with us Christmas morning and sees them all!

I don't celebrate Christmas for the religious part of it. To me it is a holiday to show family and friends that you love them and it doesn't mean you have to give them a gift...it just means being kind and generous and enjoying one another. I do look forward to learning other countries traditions of the holiday season and teaching them to Harper and the new baby as they grow up. I want them to have a wide array of stories to draw from and traditions to learn and try out. I also want to begin our own family traditions, though they won't really begin until we are in our own place but I think that Christmas morning is a time that I would like to keep as ours (as in just Nick, me and the kids) and Christmas eve and later Christmas day can be extended family time. Nick's family has a tradition of steaks on the grill Christmas eve, which I think is great and I look forward to being a part of that for years to come. And the thought of someday having our own house where our families can come and be a part of the holidays with us as we celebrate new and old traditions alike is exciting. We obviously won't be in our own house for some time but some day we'll make it work!

Overall things have been going really well here. It is hard being stuck inside constantly due to weather and not having a vehicle while Nick is working but overall I think Harper and I are doing well. I do look forward to being able to utilize some of her Christmas gifts and expand some of the learning things I would like to do with her after the holidays when we can afford to pick up a few more new things for her. I'd really like an activity table for her bedroom and found an alright one at Target that has 2 drawers under the table. She needs a place she can stand up to and stack blocks and play with her animals. I'd also really like to get her into coloring more and think she's finally at an age where she'll stop putting the crayons in her mouth. She is really changing each day and is becoming more incredible by the minute. She is really big into "counting" her toys or food and so far every piece or thing is "four" because it is the only one she can say. But she nows the sequence of the numbers to the point where she'll pick up things and when she gets to 3 or 5 she gets excited and exclaims as she picks up the object, as 3 or 5 is generally the number of things that we count with her and she has picked up on our tonation when ending with one of those numbers. She says bird now (burr! burr!) and has a very specific little porcelain bird that Gramma Carol showed her that she constantly asked for this evening. She follows directions really well, as in if you tell her to go get her cup that is on the floor by her chair, she immediately goes to where you tell her. She has also, on her own accord, begun to help emptying the dishwasher each morning. It is so fun to see her get so excited to help and hands each piece to me. We're working on saying please and thank you...please she still generally signs but every so often trys to vocalize and thank you she definitely says the same thing each time but it isn't quite distinguishable as the words but she has the idea, which is great.

Nick just pulled up in the driveway (terribly snowy!) and now has the next 2 days off. Hooray! I'm off to visit with him. I'll update more tomorrow!

Baby watch

2008-12-05T20:24:00.003-06:00

So long over due posting about our new addition coming up in April. We had a doctor's appointment the day before Thanksgiving and got to see the little babe on the ultrasound. We both wanted to know the sex, so the tech spent a long time looking around and while she didn't get any 100% affirmative shots of the things they use to distinguish (3 lines for a girl, a "turtle" for a boy) we didn't see any sort of appendage hanging out between the legs, after a very very long time searching and thus have concluded with over 80% accuracy that baby #2 is to be another girl!!! Hooray! We'll be happy even if she ends up coming out as a he, but I was hoping for another girl. I just feel like I'm meant to be a mama of girls and to have that sister relationship for Harper to experience I think will be wonderful. Plus we get to use the girl name we've loved for some time now, which I annoying won't share at the moment. I'm at that stage where I feel very protective of our name choice and maybe somewhere down the road that will lessen a bit but for right now I'll keep it off of here.

So all in all, everything looks great. P.O.O.L #2 (product of our love, as my husband came up with...Harper was the original P.O.O.L) is growing great and looks to be a healthy baby. I look way more pregnant than I should at this point but we won't go there right now....holidays, snacking and not being able to move normally due to a broken foot (at least not until very recently) has made me a tidge chubbier than I'd like to be at this point...but again, not going to go there right now. Denial of a wider tush and hips is an alright thing, isn't it?!

If I can find a way of scanning ultrasound pictures, I will do so and try my best to get them up here.

Christmas '08 underway

2008-12-05T20:00:00.007-06:00

Again, a delay in posting so I'll just go full force into my topic of choice; Christmas 2008.

I don't celebrate Christmas because of the first half of the word, instead I see it as a way to celebrate and enjoy my family, the weather, giving and loving. The sad thing is, it is one of the most stressful times of year for me up until everything is done. What gifts to get, how much to spend, etc. etc. This year our very small budget dictates our spending amount but we've pretty much got everyone on Nick's side of the family done in terms of shopping. We'll be seeing my family after the holidays due to Nick's work schedule so in an effort to keep myself a bit more sane, I'm not thinking about my family's presents until after Christmas...I have plenty of ideas but am willing myself not to buy presents for them right now when we won't be seeing one another for some time.

We're all done with Harper's shopping as well and while there is so many more great things I'd love to get her
(I keep finding more and more stuff through Etsy and some awesome eco-friendly online toy stores) we've stopped and no more will be coming. After we are more settled and have a better financial footing there are a few things I'd love to get her before her birthday, things that will go great with some of her Christmas presents. So anyway, in no particular order, here are Harper's presents for this year:

Needlefelted primary color/shape learning birds from Beneath the Rowen Tree on Etsy:
Natural Blocks from ZooLoo Naturals on Esty:
A beautiful doll from Bamboletta Dolls. We don't have a picture of our actual doll yet but I promise to post one after she is unwrapped! She is beautiful!!

Plan Toys pounding bench found at Oompa Toys.

Bajo Large Wooden Shape Sorter also found at Oompa Toys:
And finally a Kido Puzzle, again found at Oompa Toys:And while I know it isn't all about the gifts, I just love the kind of toys that are available to children today. If you look hard you can find non blinking, non plastic and wonderful toys that will teach your children in ways that no electronic gadget ever could. Plus they're all so fun, who wouldn't want lots of them?! A few things I wish we'd have been able to get her as well are things for her new doll, like a bed and stroller - both of which I found great wooden options for. But like I said, it would be foolish to go beyond our means just because we want for our daughter and for this Christmas I know she'll be excited and happy no matter what. Heck at this point the boxes may still interest her more than their contents! =)

Massively delayed...my apologies

2008-11-17T16:08:00.002-06:00

I'm not even sure where to catch up with this blog. It has been over a month since I last posted I think so let me give a quick overview of the happenings during that time:

- I finished watching kids; it was sad to see them go and yet liberating. I've kept in touch with one family and hear things are going well for which I am glad.
- I packed up majority of our apartment for moving until....
- I stepped off of the front step wrong while taking out the garbage, tripped, caught myself in a bad way on my right foot and fractured my foot...yes, I broke my foot 3 days before flying by myself with Harper from Santa Fe to MN, with a layover in Denver. Nick and I spent a number of hours in the ER waiting for x-rays, only to have it confirmed that yes indeed, I had broken my foot and sent on our way with a boot and crutches with instructions to see the orthopedic doctor in Santa Fe in a week (his earliest time he could see me) Needless to say, we kept our flight and plans the same.
- Harper and I arrived safe and sound in MN and with the lovely help of family unpacked and got all settled in.
- Visited down with my family for a week, which was nice but a week was enough for the time being. It just went so quickly of getting here and just starting to really settle in to going down to visit everyone.
- I went out with a friend and her husband to a bar to watch an old high school friend play in his new band....and ran into a slew of high school people, most of whom I haven't seen in a fair number of years...some, not since high school 7.5 years ago...it was bizarre.
- Oh yeah....and our nation elected Obama as our next president. WOO HOOOOOO!!!!! A vote that I was proud to make and be a part of.

So now we are back home at Mark & Carol's getting all settled in after a long week of Harper not sleeping very well at night and hardly taking naps during the day. Nick comes home next week!!!! I cannot wait! While down at my mom's we found out about Gmail's new video chat (which is AWESOME) and got to actually talk to each other face to face...something that Harper enjoyed very much. She gave many smooches to daddy on the computer screen. =) We miss him very much and cannot wait for him to be home. So overall things are going very well. Bills are a bit stressful, especially the ER bill that we just received for $999.25. Ouch! But I know that no matter what everything will feel better once Nick is with us again and we can feel normal. I've been doing lots of online "window" shopping for Christmas and in the next few days I'll post what we hope to be getting Harper for Christmas this year. One present which has already come is her gorgeous Bamboletta doll. Dear lord, that is a post all in itself. It is the most beautiful, soulful, and special doll I have ever come across and I cannot wait for Harper to see her. She has suddenly gotten very in to dolls lately, so I hope she enjoys her. I promise to post pictures of her as soon as I can along with a little blurb about Bambolettas.

So that is pretty much it in a nutshell. I'll try to get posting more frequently again, now that I have the time and ability to do so!

Oh yes, and baby #2 is doing well. I have felt a lot of flutters in the last few weeks and hopefully once Nick gets home we can get an ultrasound done and find out if it is a boy or girl. Still searching for the right hospital/doctor but the task is underway and hopefully will get sorted out here soon!

PD Bean you are my internet savior

2008-10-21T10:50:00.002-05:00

Another quick check in from the coffee shop. I'm enjoying a strawberry/blueberry smoothie and a breakfast burrito with ham. Mmm.

A week from today I will be in hanging out in the Denver airport in between leaving Santa Fe and arriving in Minnesota. It feels so weird. I starting packing last night, things are off of the walls, decor from shelves, and books are all packed. There is still a lot to do, like pack up the kitchen, clothes, bathroom, Harper's room but most of that cannot be done until the weekend or Monday. Basically it is going to be a crazy rest of the week. Tomorrow I hit the 2nd trimester of this pregnancy. Uhh...where did the last 3 months go?! I'm feeling really well lately, only a bit tired and no more being nauseated which is very nice to be rid of.

We had a grillout with everyone on Sunday evening, it was so nice to hang out with everyone at the same time as lately it has been in little bunches and usually without Nick or Blake as their work schedules suck up their evenings most days. Nick did some great grilling, Tiff made a yummy salad and Emily brought a giant bowl of fruit salad along with homemade guacamole and chips. Delicious! And what a fun night too! I think we're all trying to hang out together this weekend before Harper and I leave Tuesday.

3 day countdown to the last day of watching children. I am glad. I think if I have to change another poopy diaper that is not my own child's I will barf. Finn has the nastiest poop ever and I gag every single time. Anyway....off to visit with Tiff and surf around the net.

Checking in

2008-10-14T11:18:00.002-05:00

Another quick post from the coffee shop. I've made it just about every day now, which has been nice though not so much so for the saving $ as I end up getting a hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll nearly every time. At least the hot chocolate anyway...but at the same time I feel that isn't too much to pay for a few hours of wireless internet. I think $3 is an alright price for that plus I'm supporting a neat local business, so all in all I think it is a win win.

2 weeks from today Harper and I will be in route back to MN. To say it like that it just freaky and it is hard to believe it is only 2 weeks and then we will no longer be living in Santa Fe. It is very surreal, especially since we have packed NOTHING yet. That is my task for this weekend and next week. I'd like to have everything that is packable done before I go, less work for Nick and Mark and more peace of mind for me knowing that it is done. So much to do in very little time. Only 8 days left of watching kids, which is also strange. As hard and nerve wrenching as it has been watching them, it will be strange to not see them everyday as well. To not hear Harper say "Hi LaLa!" when Lila the baby comes in or to watch Harper and Finn play hide and seek with each other.

In other news, Harper is saying "Hi" now which is adorable and she does it in such a funny way, with her lower jaw jutting out as she says it. We're trying to get her to match it with other words, like "Hi Mama!" or "Hi Dada!" She'll do it every now and then, especially the "Hi Dada!" She is so darn adorable! Speaking of Harper, am I the only one who is weirdly possessive of their child's name? Obviously there are other Harpers in the world but lately the number of celebrities that have named their kids Harper is bugging me. 3 new kids in the last few months....it is ridiculous I know and who really cares. My Harper is the only one like her regardless of her name. Anyway, how foolish of me but when I saw the Lisa Marie Presley named one of her new twin daughters that, I bugged out a bit. Funny enough though, the other daughter was named Finley which was a name I loved and actually named a dog that awhile back when I was sure I'd never get married or be a mother (something my family liked to point out often and tease me a bit about).

In a week I start the second trimester of this new pregnancy!

And now I should head home to relieve Nick from covering naptime. It is raining like mad here and is one of those days where you wish you could do nothing but lie in bed all day.

Internet-less

2008-10-10T15:41:00.001-05:00

Just and sweet.

We asked Qwest to shut off our internet on the 29th. They shut it off on Tuesday. I am having a REALLY hard time being without internet. Trying to hit the coffee shop every few days to check in on things.

But no constant internet access until after the 28th. =(

13 weeks

2008-10-06T21:16:00.002-05:00

Which means hopefully in 27 weeks (or less...that would be fine too, just please not 2 weeks over again) there will be another Lostetter baby in the world. 13 weeks seems like nothing and yet, when you subtract those days from the total 40 (42 if things go like last time), it doesn't seem so far away. Then again, ask me in mid-February or March and I'm sure I'll tell you those final weeks seem to just drag on and on. In 2 weeks I officially start the 2nd trimester. When did October get here?!

I've been trying to take pictures but have only taken a few at 9 and 10 weeks for a variety of reasons. #1 - the flash of a camera makes my stretch marks a blindly brillant part of the picture and I'm not too sure I want to have to stare at them each week. #2 I'm in the stage of being pregnant where I just look and feel chubby. Clothes don't fit right, my ass, thighs and belly are growing yet it just looks like I ate too many cookies and not like I'm growing a baby. Not until my belly starts to get that taut round look will I actually be convincingly pregnant in photos....that all being said, I'm going to try to get back on track with it because there is nothing like going back through my pregnancy photos with Harper and seeing my body change. Even weekly, you can see it. I missed a few here and there with her but overall you can click through quickly and watch my midsection grow. Weight wise, last week I was a few less pounds this time around than I was with Harper at this stage and yet, I cannot fit into my pants. What is up with that? I wore my pre-pregnancy jeans with Harper until late November. Now my thighs have seemed to sprout babies of their own and I have a normal pair of pants that I wear. Otherwise it is stretchy pant central for this particular pregnant woman.

Also, let me just state real quick that I am so glad I didn't know about celebritybabies.com when I was pregnant with Harper. Because looking at all the famous people being pregnant and looking like there is nothing but a ball hiding under their shirts is quit annoying. Especially Rebecca Romjin (sp?) who is having twins in January and looks like she is merely in her 7th month with one child.

In other news I have begun to think about birth options in MN and it is really frustrating actually. Because I have a c-section with Harper there are many places that won't even let me try to have a natural birth. Which means, to get to a place that will at least let me try, we'll be driving 40 - 60 minutes. MN does allow midwife assisted homebirths and while this still interestes me very much, I'm not sure if it is an option for a few reasons. #1 We'll be guests in the home of my in-laws, whom I love very much and I know love me, but I'm not sure either of them would be up for their daughter in-law birthing their second grandchild in a birthing tub in their home..just a hunch. And #2, I am just nervous enough about the slim slim slim chance of a uterine scar rupture that I don't think I could hack it being at home. In my heart and mind I want it so badly, but then the piece of my brain that I inherited from my mother screams at me not to be stupid and that it isn't worth it. So I don't know, it is going to take a lot of thought, a lot of figuring out with insurance, and a lot of finding the right person to birth our child and not just accepting whomever is around. This is a big choice and even bigger now that this baby's birth has to overcome his/her sister's failed induction c-section birth. I want to be able to do all I can to make this a good experience and the right one...and a bit selfishly, I want to feel like I can redeem myself for Harper's birth. As though a new and natural birth can help wash away the guilt I have in how things happened with her. If only I'd walked more. If only I'd stuck it out a bit longer and not gotten the epidural. If only I had just said "NO" instead of taking the doctor's word for everything that was happening to me.

So anyway, babies and birth. A lot on my mind. But for right now I am going to go wash dishes because I just saw ANOTHER freaking mouse in my kitchen! After catching 2 already, this cheeky little bastard is not going to have a damn thing to clean up off my counters tonight! Ick, it just gives me the willies thinking about the damn thing lurking around my kitchen as it is, much less the thought that it could go on my counters.........gross, gross, gross....

17 months

2008-09-28T09:53:00.004-05:00

9.27.08

Dear Harper,

Today you turn 17 months old. It is hard to believe that 2 years ago this time you were the same size as the new baby growing inside mama. How a baby can go from less than an inch long to walking and talking in less than 2 years is still a miracle to me. You've grown and changed so much in the last 17 months that it is hard to believe and though I am sometimes sad to see you grow from a baby to a little girl, I am more excited to watch you grow into your own little person. I wanted to write this letter to tell you about yourself at this stage in your life. I hope to do it more often, as a way to catch the ever changing moments daddy and I get to experience while watching you grow.

At 17 months old you are a very independent and strong minded little girl. You are walking forward and backward, running, spinning, "jumping' (though your toes don't leave the ground you think you're going SO high), you love to dance to music (your favorite at the moment being the Juno soundtrack), you give smooches, and hugs with your little hands patting the back of whomever is getting a hug. You love to look at books and be read to and you often sit through books that would normally be considered long for a toddler. One of your favorite books right now is To Market, To Market by Anne Miranda. You love animals and shriek with delight every time you hear a dog bark. Many of your toys are animals figurines that you tote around with you and some of your favorite things to snuggle at night are a bear, a lemming, a racoon, and a badger. You hum a lot and chatter your own little language that definitely means something in your mind, though it may not quite sound like anything we recognize quite yet. You do have a number of words that you can say including: shoes, sure, mama, dada (Da!), all gone (gone! as you hold up your hands), hi lila (ha lila!), and more "mo mo mo". You can tell someone what the following animals say: dog (uff uff), cat (meow meow meow), cow (mmmmm), and a monkey (ahh ahh). You can point out where your eyes, nose, mouth ears, hair, cheeks and belly button are, as well as point them out on other people. You love to wear your big girl shoes and get very excited when asked if you want to put them on running with them in your hands saying "Shoe, shoe, shoes!"

We've tried coloring a few times and you make a few marks on the paper but then feel the need to taste each crayon but we'll keep trying and soon I'm sure you'll be scribbling away. You very much enjoy being outside and you love to dig in the dirt. The other day you were giggling a lot as you watched an ant crawl all around mama's hand and arm and wanted so bad to hold it but it was a fast little ant! You like to smell things with your little wrinkled nose sniffing and you blow on your food if you think it is hot. At the moment you are teething and I think the offical tooth count is around 12 and growing. You are starting to garner an imagination and can sometimes be found pulling certain books off the shelves that have faces on them and running to hide from them, then peeking out to see if they are still looking at you. I put a mirror at your height in the living room and you really enjoy looking at yourself and all around the room through it. You have also figured out that the cell phone takes pictures and very much enjoy having your picture taken and then looking at it. You like to stack blocks and rearrange and restack the rings on your ring stacker. You can put your finger up to your lips and say "shhh" which is pretty adorable and you most often do it while we read Goodnight Moon at the part where the quiet old lady is whispering hush.

We think you are going to be left handed, as you choose to use your spoon most often from that hand. You pick up pieces of food with both hands though, so time will tell. You enjoy eating and will usually try just about anything. Some of your favorite foods are raspberries, blueberries, and toast with goat cheese.

You are a remarkable little girl and daddy and I are so proud to be your parents. We both love you so much and feel so privledged to get to watch you grow and to be the ones to help you experience this world. I think we've both learned that the cliche statement people tell you when you first become parents is so very true, time does go by faster when you are watching your child grow up. We hope the time doesn't go too fast but how we love to watch you grow and change!

We love you more than words can say and can't wait to experience this world each day with you!

Smooches & Hugs,

Mama & Daddy

In love

2008-09-27T12:50:00.003-05:00

with Etsy. Truly, I think it is the best website I have ever come across. To see such a broad range of work from so many people around the world. It leaves me in awe most of the time and my favorites list growing everyday. It is really inspiring to see the creative work of people (though sometimes intimidating as well) and I often find myself thinking how badly I'd like to become an Etsy seller. But I have SO many different ideas and inspirations that I'm not sure I'd ever be able to focus on one thing and make it. Sometimes you really have to pick through page after page of things but majority of the things I enjoy looking at are natural kids toys and clothes. There are many many many eco-conscious people on Etsy making things for kids that I am more than happy to spend a bit more money on than to go to Target and buy some generic plastic thing for Harper. Maybe that makes me sound snobby but truly, there is something about buying toys or clothes for my daughter that I know someone has made with the true intention of sharing their love for the natural world with others. I know it is also nice for these people to get the $ that goes along with it but really, the amount of time and work that goes into majority of these things far outweighs the costs and you know they are doing it primarily for the love of it. I like to think that most of them enjoy the fact that their toys or clothes or whatever are being played with, worn, and shared by kids around the world. I know that giving Harper interesting and different kind of toys to play with and experience is going to make her a more thoughtful and well rounded little girl. Sure the toys in Target that light up and sing look interesting to her but the one toy that she does have here at home that lights up and sings she gets sick of rather quickly and chucks it aside to read a book or play with her animals. Plus there is something about things made from natural materials (wool, wood, etc.) and recycled things (like all of our courtneycourtney clothes!) that makes me feel like a good and responsible parent. For myself and for Harper I enjoy knowing that you can have fun and learn without having to have some electronic toy sing at you.........that instead, by having toys that garner a need for imagination and interaction you create this great world for you child where you, the parent, get to sing the ABC's while stacking blocks or you get to name all the interesting animals as your child lines them up on the top of her toybox (how many times do parents get to tell a one year old "That is a lemur! This bird is called a titmouse!")

Anyway, I went off on a bit of a rant and I apologize for that but seriously, if you aren't familiar with Etsy, go check it out. Type whatever your fancy may be in the search box or go to the buy - categories section and look for a particular area to look (Accessories, Art, Clothing, Hosuewares, Jewelry, etc. etc. etc.) and have fun spending time ooing and ahing over the awesome stuff. Feel free to type in "bluecirclebird" in the usernames search and look at my favorites list. It is mostly kid stuff (though admittedly I want most of it for myself too!) but it is fun to look at. And if you find an artist or craftsman that you like their stuff, chances are by looking at their favorites list you'll find even more great stuff that you'll love too.

Minnesota bound

2008-09-26T10:57:00.003-05:00

So we're heading back to MN soon for a variety of reasons, most of which I won't talk about here, not right now. But the one I'm choosing to focus on, is really the most important to me in the long run anyway and that is to be closer to family for the arrival of baby #2. It is all happening sooner than we orignally planned, which then went even sooner, which again went even sooner. So the deal thus far is Harper and I are flying back to MN the end of October and Nick will be following with the car about a month later. He is staying here in Santa Fe to finish up committments with work and to make some extra $. We'll be leaving our apartment the end of the month, so we've begun the task of helping our landlord search for a new tenant. Nick will stay with Tiff and Jeremy (and Morgan and Blake) for the month of November that he is here, which we are very thankful for. Even though their house is going to be crazy busy and full as it is, they are so helpful and loving that they're allowing one more body into their home. Hopefully Nick can make it back to MN by Thanksgiving, which is the 27th and I believe he is done with work by the 24th or 25th. Nick's dad has offered to drive down to help us move our big stuff back to MN, so hopefully that will work out if not we'll just sell the big furniture and maybe keep a few things at Tiff & Jeremy's until we figure out how to get them back to MN. Most important to me is Harper's crib and dresser...aside from being nice furniture, it also holds sentimental value that I'm not prepared to let go of. Our bed is also something that while not sentimental would be nice to have, as it is a really nice bed and not something we really want to have to replace but if we have to we have to.

I'm done watching kids the 24th of October which means the last week of the month will be nuts...finishing up with kids, packing for our place to be moved, packing for a flight, saying goodbyes to friends (I don't want to do this part) and making the move back.

Anyway, a lot to take in at the moment but trying to focus on the best parts of it and knowing that we'll be fine.

In other news, my high school Creative Writing teacher got his books published and dedicated it to me and a few other students, as we helped a bit with reading drafts and helping with characters. It's called Hamlet's Ghost and soon I'll purchase it and head over to Maple River High to get it signed.

David the Gnome

2008-09-25T10:43:00.003-05:00

I'm reliving my childhood a bit by watching episodes of one of my favorite shows "The World of David the Gnome". I loved this show as a child and rewatching it now as an adult, I'm pretty convinced this show had a lot to do with my affinity for nature and animals. The books the show was based on are pretty great too. I hope the books, this show and my love for nature & animals are all things I can pass on to Harper. I think she already has the love for animals down pat and maybe some day she'll be as fascinated by little gnomes as I once was and still am!

So here I sit, a 25 year old mama watching episodes of David the Gnome during naptime. Thank goodness for YouTube! =)

A fresh look

2008-09-21T11:46:00.005-05:00

I think I whine a bit too much in this blog and I really never intended it to be that way. It has just been nice to have a place to put my daily "blahs" down but re-reading entries makes me sound like my life is full of stress and not good things. It is so very much the contrary! There are some tough moments, especially as of late regarding other people's children, but really all in all things in my life and the life of my family are wonderful. And so today I am going to take this post to talk about those things and how thankful I am for all of them.

I have an amazing family. Nick is my best friend and I'm not sure that I could ask for anything better in a partner. His big blue eyes hold so much love and when he smiles the corners of his eyes crinkle in a way that just makes me feel safe,warm and content. He has a great laugh and a voice that feels like home. He is such a wonderful father to our daughter and I marvel every day at the love that pours from him to her. And goodness does our girl love her daddy. I'm so thankful that they had the time together that they did while I was working. It has created a connection and bond between them that I think will always be present. Speaking of our daughter, how can words even describe the amount of love I have for this little girl. She is this amazing little person beginning her life in this world and we as her parents are in charge of shaping it for her. She is quick to smile with her gorgeous gap toothed grin and has a laugh that melts any bad away. She is independent and strong willed but lovey and snuggly. She loves to "read" books and have them read to her and her affinity for animals is amazing to see at such a young age. If she could snuggle every dog or cat she sees, she would! She dances whenever she hears a song and twirls in circles with her eyes closed tight and a smile on her face. To watch her experience life is one of the best gifts I have ever been lucky enough to receive. My mom, dad, sisters, nieces, nephew, brother in-laws, sister in-law, mother in-law, father in-law, grandparents...everyone....so lucky to have and love and be loved by. And our friends, how can it be said enough what wonderful friends we have. I love them all dearly and feel so proud and priveleged to be a part of their lives, however far we may live from one another.

And while being home with 2 other kids who aren't mine is difficult, the fact that I am home with my daughter mean so much to me. I get to watch her learn and grow and change every day. For that I am so thankful.

Speaking of her...she is chatting away in her room at the moment after waking from her nap, so instead of sitting here I am going to go experience this joy of my life and most likely change a poopy diaper. =) But really, for all the little complaining that I do, there is so much more good things in my life and I need to remember that. There is so much more than the little bit that I have listed here but to type it all right now would mean I'd miss out on playing with my little blue eyed girl and so here I go, to live this great life that I have, to experience it firsthand and to be so thankful that I can.

Seriously, I'm so glad it is Friday

2008-09-19T11:18:00.002-05:00

Poor Harper has gotten a stuffy nose and cough from Finn, the one year old I watch. Finn, whose mother has been swearing all week that he is just teething but wasn't listening to me when I was telling her that he had yellow snot and a cough. So this morning when my sweet little girl woke up with a stuffed up nose that was all runny I was more than annoyed. I understand kids get sick, I do, but it is just so frustrating when you are trying to tell someone something and they just don't listen. So this morning when she arrived with Finn and I told her Harper was now sick, she was all "Oh, well then it must be a cold." No shit lady. (pardon my language) Your child doesn't goop out nasty colored snot and not be sick. So now I'm listening to Harper, who has been sick only once in her life with a short 24 hour flu bug, sniffle and cough in her sleep.

When Finn and Lila leave today, I am spraying this entire house with Lysol and tonight when Harper goes to bed I'm going to take every toy, book, and stuffed animal and wash some in bleach water and wipe others down with disinfectant wipes. Hopefully we can nip this cold in the butt before it gets worse. It is just so hard to see her sick at all though that trying to stop it from getting worse doesn't make me feel any better about the situation in the first place. Plus I feel all guilty because I'm the one who chose to have other kids come to our house, although I know if it weren't this way then she'd probably have to be at a daycare herself which would probably also result in getting sick. There is only so much you can shield your child from I suppose but being sick is one of those things you wished they'd never have to experience.

Hopefully this weekend will be alright and Harper will be feeling well enough to enjoy the time alone with her mama and daddy.

We've looked into healthcare for MN and everything is a go in terms of moving, so I think we're pretty sure we're going to. Though now it is just figuring out when and how. The logistics of getting it all figured out are slightly overwhelming and not real fun to think about but in order to move back we're going to have to have a good plan all worked out.

Anyway, a slightly whiny post, I realize but it is Friday and I'm just feeling the need for this week to be over with and thankfully it is. I want our house to ourselves and to enjoy time alone with my family and hopefully get my little girl well again.

In baby news, all is well as far as we know. We haven't had our first appointment yet, though that will be happening next week hopefully and will be a good thing to get done. We're slowly letting more and more people know, although I haven't officially hit the second trimester yet, I am feeling quite well and haven't had any signs for any need to worry. I'll be telling the parents of the two kids I watch soon, so that they can have the opportunity to find other childcare as soon as necessary. Childcare for ages 2 and under is tough to come by in this town, so I have a feeling if they find someone else they will really have to jump on it in order to get something figured out.

At the moment, everyone is napping here so I am going to go take this time to enjoy the quiet for a bit longer and maybe shut my eyes myself. If there is one thing about being pregnant that I find difficult, aside from the nauseated stomach often, it is feeling tired all the time and watching 3 kids doesn't help! Even 20 minute naps help immensely!! So here I go for my cat nap.

Have a great weeekend!

The way to start a weekend

2008-09-12T21:44:00.004-05:00

I just got back from a wonderful evening with friends. Nick had to work but Harper and I went over to Thomas & Emily's with Tiff & Jeremy for a pizza night. It was so nice to be amongst adults and enjoy each others company. And the pizza....holy crap...good pizza. Tiff created this pizza that literally was the most mouth watering thing I have had in a long time. It was mashed baby red potatoes with Parmesan cheese, rosemary and a little bit of garlic salt on the crust, then caramelized onions and kalamatta olives and blue cheese (I think blue cheese?)....it was SO filling but SO freaking yummy. The other pizza was tomatoes, mozzarella and basil...also, very very yummy. We just sat around and ate, visited, played some Wii and had a general good time. Harper was such a sport and really enjoyed all the attention. She has been teething a bottom molar these past few days so I was wary as to what her mood would be but she did great and had a good time as well. So much so, that we got to stay past 8pm! She and I just got home 15 minutes ago or so and she is now all tucked into bed, no doubt snoozing already.

I'm so glad that it is Friday. I really do not mean to complain so much about the children I am watching, they are sweet little kids and it is my job...it is just tough sometimes and to have a place to put it all down is helpful. Tomorrow morning I think we are all going to go down to the Railyard grand opening, shop the Farmer's Market at its new and improved location and hit a few little shops in the railyard district. It should be a good morning!

In other news (although I think the people who read this blog, most of you anyway, already know this) we're expecting baby #2!! The due date is almost identical to what Harper's was, which was April 18th 2007 and this baby is April 19, 2009. We are extremely excited and found it slightly humorous that it happened in the same time frame as Harper did and probably the same place too! I've wanted to be pregnant again for awhile but we weren't trying, we were just not not trying....meaning, if it happens it happens but not timing things out to make it so. So of all the times to get pregnant, for it to be same timing as Harper is funny but sort of sweet too. Perhaps we are just meant to have April babies. =) I have a friend and former co-worker here who is also pregnant and due in April...although this past weekend she thought she may be having a miscarriage and thus went to the doctor this week to have it checked out and pretty much confirmed, as it was in her mind...turns out all is well and she is actually expecting fraternal twins!! Such a shock, but I think she and her husband are excited. They have a 2.5 year old little girl named Sophia, who will be 3 not quite 2 months before the twins arrive. Crazy!!

In lieu of being pregnant, we may move back to MN in January for a variety of reasons. Most financial and because we want to be nearer to family when baby #2 arrives. That we'll have lived here for nearly a year before moving makes us both feel good and like we accomplished a goal...we moved here in early February, so leaving in January is just a tidge short of 1 year. Part of us really wants to stay and be here but to think of having a new baby so far from our family is tough. Especially if things go the way they did with Harper (knock on wood that they don't) we're going to need all the extra help we can get and while I know our friends here would do anything they could to help us, I don't want to inconvenience their lives by needing so much from them. I think we'll probably stay with Mark & Carol until the baby arrives and hopefully by summer/mid-summer we can get our own space all figured out near or in the cities. We both really want to move to Oregon at some point but we are realizing that there is a lot more planning that needs to be done before we do so, unlike our move to Santa Fe which was pretty much - "Hey we want to move! Hey, we have some extra $! Hey, let's move next week!" There are absolutely not regrets to having moved here but in hindsight, we should have planned a bit better and really had more things in order before moving...like having a solid savings account rather than just some extra money, etc. etc. So I think if (but I guess in most ways, pretty much when) we move back to MN we'll be there for a little awhile getting things in order and settled for our family so that when we choose to move, we'll be more than ready and prepared and able to do so. If it were just Nick and I, I think we'd feel more apt to just wing it but the amount that we did so while having Harper was a bit crazy of us and now will be impossible and rather stupid to do with 2 kids. So anyway, we'll keep up to date on all of the decisions regarding moving i.e. if/when/where.

I've already started picking out things for Harper for Christmas, which is so much fun to do. No matter what (move or not) we'll be spending Christmas here with just the 3 (not quite 4) of us. While I'll miss celebrating with our families, it will be really fun to have the holiday to ourselves and start traditions for our little family to continue on year after year. We'll get our own tree and decorate it. I'd like to start getting a yearly family ornament for the tree and also a yearly one for Harper. Ahh..Christmas...so far away, yet so fun to plan. One of these days I'll make my little list of Harper's gifts as I don't think I'll be able to wait too much longer to get some of them, I'm just too excited!

We got a new computer so I haven't quite figured out how to get pictures from the camera on to it but as soon as I do we have a bunch of new photos to go up on Flickr. Hopefully I can tinker with it this weekend and figure it out. For now, I'm going to go crash in bed. Nick doesn't get home until shortly after midnight and 5 days of waking up at 6:30-45 AM are enough to make me exhausted, so I'm going to cherish some lovely extra hours of sleep.

Enjoy the weekend!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2008-09-09T16:33:00.002-05:00

When three kids don't nap when you really really want them to...you feel like ripping your hair out. It is like trying to orchestrate some elaborate heist in order to get everyone changed, down in the proper place to sleep and then *fingers crossed* finally asleep. I kept Harper up an extra half hour in hopes that she would better than yesterday, which yielded no nap at all. She was quiet for about 25 minutes before she started babbling and ended up having a poopy diaper. After a quick change, a snuggle and being tucked back in she has been chatting up a storm for the past 30 minutes. The baby who, to all fault of her parents, is used to sleeping in her carseat won't go to sleep any other way...because, oh yeah, did I mention the mom read an article about sleeping in carseats and increased risk of SIDS? So the habit that she got her daughter in to (up until the weekend when the mom read the article, the baby slept in her carseat at night!!!) she now expects me to change. Uhh....I don't want your child to die from SIDS anymore than you do lady but to expect me, her daycare provider, to change your habit is a little bit much I think. I asked them to bring a swing to see if she'd sleep in that...she does for about 20 minutes and that is it. But there are times where you need the simplicity of the way a baby naps in order to get other things done....sadly, this baby just isn't that way. The little boy...he is actually sleeping, though he woke up a few times squealing but is now fast asleep again. So I suppose I'll be going into Harper's room shortly with the baby and hanging out for another half hour or so until the baby's mom arrives...the little boy's mom won't be here until 5pm. It is so much easier watching your own child.......phew!

I got a huge haul out of our garden. Lots of green peppers, jalepenos, and tomatoes. Whoever lives in this place next year will have a great little strawberry patch as the plants we put in this year (the two that lived anyway) have gotten quite big and are sending out runners all over the garden patch.

Harper is really big into sitting on my lap these days and will back herself over to me and plop down. She is also really snuggly lately and gives lots of smooches and hugs. Her hugs are great, with her little hand patting your back. She can show you where her eyes, ears, nose and mouth are as well as show you where yours are. She walks backward across the room whenever the feeling strikes her to do so. She is getting so big, it is hard to believe sometimes.

Alright, now the little boy is up and screaming the shrillest scream you have ever heard in your life....seriously, it could break glass and it makes your ears throb. And no worries, I don't let him scream for long - but when I know he is ok and just wants to make a fuss to be heard and answered...I give it a few minutes, because unlike his mom I do not want him to think that just because he screams at me, I'll come running. So everyone is up now and I have a good hour of other kids in my house at least and Nick is off to work now until midnight...........*sigh*

The end of a long (though short) week

2008-09-04T20:45:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is Friday! Hooray! I will have only watched kids for 3 days this week, due to Labor Day on Monday and Nick being sick on Tuesday but it felt like a long week! It is rough watching other people's kids, especially when certain parents have very certain wants and directions regarding their child. I do completely understand the want to do this but expecting me to not tell a one year old "no" when he starts pulling books off the shelf and throwing them is a bit tough to swallow. Especially when what they'd rather me say instead is a full sentence of words that would mean nothing to a one year old. I am certainly not all about saying "no" but there are some instances when it is necessary. Anyway, as long as these few days have seemed, they have gone well and I'm happy to say that everyone naps at the same time and eats at the same time, so the routine is going well. And the little boy (the one year old) who used to not fall asleep on his own at naps is now doing it without fuss. Woo hoo!

In sad news, Pippin, the dog we were trying out, went back to the shelter the other day. He was just too nervous around Harper and the little kids and snapped at Harper. That was our deal, if he bit at her, he went back. He was a super cute dog, so I know he'll find a good home. It is sad to be without a pet though but there are a lot of reasons in our life at the moment and upcoming that means we'll probably wait for awhile to find just the right one. In other animal news, I saved a squirrel today who was stuck in a large stack of cement blocks - I'll post a picture later.

I've started Etsy shopping for fall/winter clothes for Harper. I've gotten a few courtneycourtney shirts and am ordering her a new hat form cozy blue. Next up, though not Etsy purchases, are pants and a coat. Although, I do think her awesome knit jacket from evagodeva that we bought last fall. She certainly has grown since then but it was big then and most of her growth has happened in length so I'm sure it'll still fit. We got her her first "real" shoes a few weeks ago. I still really love her Soft Star shoes and she still wears them often but it is so fun to see her little feet in the new ones.

I'm going through Harper's pictures to make a MyPublisher book for her first year of life. I'd like to make one for each of her years. But going through her pictures makes me realize Nick and I don't have many pictures of each other. Our camera fills with pictures of our beautiful daughter...as it should be...but I'm going to try and wrangle my husband in for some a few of us. One of these days I'd like to get a nice DSLR but that isn't quite in our budget.

I could really type on for awhile here but my husband would like to watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report so I'll sign off for now. I'll try to write here more often!

Phew!

2008-08-28T11:37:00.004-05:00

It has been awhile and for good reason. This kid watching business is way harder than I thought. It has been absolutely great to be home with Harper so I am not complaining by any means but I come away from every day just exhausted. I'm up at 6:30, kids here by 7 and they're here until between 4 and 5pm. Thankfully everyone takes naps at pretty much the same time so I do have a few breaks here and there but otherwise it is constant movement. This is only the second week so I have no doubt we'll all get into more of a routine as time goes by. I've started a pretty good one so far; play from 7ish to 8ish, breakfast for all at 8, play from 8:30ish to 9-9:30, 9:30 naptime, lunch at noon, walk/play outside from 1 to 2:30 or so and naptime around 2:30ish, parents here around 4 - 5pm. The baby is usually mid nap when she leaves and Finn is usually just waking up from nap when his parents come. Getting everyone down for naps is hard work but everyone is usually down and asleep within 10-15 minutes of each other. Harper has been getting up way earlier than normal these past few days but I think she must be feeling the bustle of the house and perhaps this will be her new schedule. She normally doesn't wake up until nearly 8 but today and yesterday she has woken up at 6:30am. I guess that is way better than Finn, who is 1 and wakes up at 5:45 every morning. Ack!

Aside from the busy life here at home, things have been great since getting back to Santa Fe. Everyone surprised me with a birthday dinner and games, which was awesome and actually my first surprise party ever! We all had so much fun and I felt so thankful to have such awesome friends. I got some great cookbooks which I am super excited to try out!! The games were great too, especially this one called "Celebrity" which I had never heard of before but what a hoot that game was! The night after the party everyone came over again to watch Spaced and just chill out. And tomorrow they are all coming over again to play poker. I feel bad having everyone come over to our place all the time because it isn't that we don't want to hang at their places...it is just tough with Harper to go over in the evenings due to supper, bathtime and bedtime. I hope they all know how much we appreciate them all coming over here and that we certainly don't expect it to be that way but are thankful that we get to join in the festivites!

Let's see....what else...? We're trying out a new dog that we adopted from the shelter. He is super sweet and a small little guy but he has a couple of tendancies that make us wonder if he should stay with us. Anytime we put him outside to get kids ready for nap or for any other reason really, he starts barking this super high pitched bark and doesn't quit until you let him in. This has made getting little ones down for naps quite difficult and I've even had Nick around to help! Without Nick here in the near future, it is going to be tough. He has also growled at Harper a few times when she comes to see him lying on the couch. I completely understand that it is his only way of telling her to back off and leave him alone but last night he totally bit at her and the last thing we need or want is her or one of the other 2 kids here to be bitten by him. We have a little over a week to decide and if we think he won' t fit, we can return him to the shelter and have 90 days to try another animal. We'll see what happens...

Nick is at an interview and I have a few things to work on while kids sleep so I'll try to update again soon as I'm sure there is plenty that I have forgotten to talk about.

Monday, Monday....hmmm hmmm la la laaaa

2008-08-16T12:49:00.002-05:00

So I thought that was a song and now I think I may just be making that up in my mind or else I really don't know the lyrics whatsoever. Anyway...

We're back in Santa Fe! Hooray! We arrived yesterday and are still working on getting ourselves settled back into home. Our trip was great and seeing our families was lovely, though slightly intense being that we really didn't have much of a way of getting away for awhile but overall the three of us enjoyed it very much. Harper got to know and love both sets of grandparents very much, as well as her aunties, uncle and cousins on both sides. We'll miss everyone very much and look forward to our next visit, but we are glad to be home...which is exactly the way we needed and hoped to feel.

This morning we went to the Farmer's Market and came away with fresh peaches & plums, a bunch of carrots, and some blue fingerling potatoes. Mmm!

Monday I start my new job watching two little kids at our home! Finn - 1 year and Lila - 5 months. I'll have my hands full but I'm really excited and I think it is going to be great. Plus, it'll be really nice to just be home and all of the things that it entails. Like cooking...lots and lots of cooking!! I'm on the hunt for recipes and cookbooks. Homemade food, here we come! Plus, seeing Harper interact and play with other kids will be great. I have no doubt the first 2 weeks are going to be a time of big adjustments and settling into schedules but I think overall we're going to be and do great. SO excited! I just have a few things left to get ready for them, like a baby gate for the kitchen doorway, cubbies for their things, getting a changing station set up in our room so that if Harper is napping I'm still able to change a diaper without her table/dresser, etc etc.

We were both saying yesterday how being back here feels like a brand new start...new jobs, new attitudes, new life stuff....new and familiar all at once and we are really excited about that and the possibilities of our lives here for the next year.

It all feels good and we're glad and looking to all that is ahead.

I want this!

2008-07-21T22:45:00.002-05:00

Pretty sure this is the coolest bag ever. I want it, badly, but I don't think there is any way possible that I could spend this much money on a bag at the moment. But here is my thought; next week is my birthday, which means falling back on the timeless tradition of collecting birthday checks from family members and putting them all towards a birthday gift for myself. Yep, sounds like a plan.

Naive much?

2008-07-21T15:41:00.003-05:00

I think it was a bit naive of me to think that writing in this blog would be like writing in a journal. This place started as a way to keep in touch with family while away and somewhere along the line transformed into a place for my thoughts, rants, raves, complaints, etc. I really didn't think this place got visited often by anyone, although I know you read it now and then Carol! =)

So anyhow, I think I'll be taking a break from here for awhile. Perhaps things going on in my head need to be worked out there before I start spewing nonsense on to these "pages". I'll check back in from time to time with updates on our lives here in Santa Fe and how Harper grows but I think I've learned my lesson in terms of writing down whatever is in my head to just get it out somewhere. And for what it is worth, what I write here is/was never intended to cause hurt feelings or make anyone feel less than what they are in our lives. I've been a bit pessimistic regarding a few things in life lately and little self absorbed to realize just how good our lives here are and what wonderful friends we have. I miss our families, yes, but Minnesota isn't a fix-all and be-all in this life that we are making for ourselves.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

2008-07-17T11:09:00.002-05:00

It was slightly surreal to see my papa lying dead in a casket. At the wake we had to stand around and watch as people filed in to look at him lying there. My mom tried to make me go in to see him and I just couldn't do it. I broke down crying and sat in a chair. My cousin, Ashley Jo, came with her newborn baby Macie and while I was holding her I found the courage to go and see him. Something about holding this new life in my arms that made it safe to stand there next to him. It was so strange...he looked like he was sleeping. Like all you would have to do is give him a little shake and he get up. The funeral was tough. In terms of the church side of it, I was really quite annoyed and didn't participate in the readings and the affirmations of belief in God. It just isn't me and it certainly wasn't Papa. It was also strange to hear the pastor, a man who hardly knew my Papa, speak about him as if he did. And after the funeral everyone filed downstairs to eat all the Lutheran food that had been laid out on the tables. How can anyone eat after something like that?! I excused myself from my family and went upstairs to sit by Papa, who was alone in a casket in the darkened church. I asked the funeral home guy if he could open the casket back up and I sat there for awhile just taking in the fact that that moment was going to be the last that I saw what I remember my Papa looking like. Then all of the great grandchildren from the other side of the family came in (all annoying) and stood there taking away this time that I wanted for myself. Then one of their moms came in, who is trashy and far over dramatic. They finally all left and my family came in. We just sat there and cried together and told stories about Papa. And then all of us grandchildren carried him down and out of the church and into the awaiting hearse.

I flew back to Santa Fe on Tuesday with a slight head cold which turned into a raging head cold/flu symptoms by yesterday. I went to work in the early morning and came home by 10:30. I slept a lot, covered in blankets and wearing long sleeved everything. I had the chills and aches and felt like crap. I took a hot shower and two hot baths just trying to feel better. I do feel a bit better today, still very head coldy but no aches/chills today, for which I am very glad.

I guess I have a lot to talk about (moving thoughts, where to live, homeschooling, etc.) but I have a few things I need to do at work and I'm really not feeling motivated enough to get it all out of my head and into this blog. Perhaps later today or tomorrow. For now I am going to blow my nose in a vain attempt to clear my sinuses of all the crap that is cluttered inside...ugh.

Only 1 week until we are back in MN with family again! Hooray!

Heading home

2008-07-11T17:14:00.003-05:00

I'm heading home to MN for a few days. My papa has passed away. In the last few years family life has become strained a bit and I haven't seen him as much as I used to but as a child I spent many a day out at the farm playing. I'm remembering fond days of playing in the barn with the new kittens and milking the goats. Eating pears from the pear tree and playing in the muddy rows of a freshly plowed field. I spent many afternoons bouncing on the trampoline and watching papa paint things. He went through a few painting phases...for awhile he spray painted everything white and other times everything got a shiny silver coat. I used to hang out in the shop and my cousin Christopher and I would peruse the old toys of our parents in the little house that they once lived in. So many good memories. It makes me sad that as of late so many of them have been forgotten or pushed aside due to other, less lovely family issues.

I haven't seen him for quite some time and now I'm going home to see him dead in a coffin. It is freaking me out a little bit, I must be honest. He will be the first person I have dealt with in terms of death. My biological father's parents died a long time ago, I never knew his father and I barely remember my grandmother and wasn't told of her death until she had already gone and the funeral had passed. I have never really had to deal with death on a personal level. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. As an adult, I can justify that he lived a good and long life and didn't want to be an invalid and suffer his last moments of life. I am glad he fell asleep peacefully and never woke up. The child in me is terrified to see him dead, to even have to deal with death in any form. I have been frightened of death as long as I can remember and have vivid memories from my childhood of being unable to fall asleep if the thought of death crossed my mind. My most vivid memory is me hyperventilating trying to stop crying as I tried to force myself to stop thinking about myself or my mom dying....my mom came into my room to soothe me and told me to think about care bears and rainbows. I wish that could work now. I feel like such a child; all I want is to be embraced in my mama's arms and feel like I am home. I think everyone is doing okay regarding papa's death, my dad is sad but knows it was the best way for him to go: no suffering, no prolonged pain. Everyone is getting together tonight to make photo boards for his visitation. I'm sad I won't be there for that but I will be with everyone tomorrow.

I'll miss you papa. Wherever the energy of this world may take you; I imagine the whispering breeze blowing through the leaves or the warmth of the sun on the ground or perhaps in the gentle laugh of a papa pushing his grandchild on swing; I hope you will be at peace.

I'll paint something silver for you and forever remember your love of the spray paint can and a good tube of caulk.

Oh well...

2008-06-24T16:20:00.002-05:00

F*ck the diet. Bread is too good. Plus I went on a date with my husband Saturday evening and how are you supposed to go on a date and not eat the delicious looking food being served?! So I'll just try to watch what I eat and do so in moderation, not like I eat like a pig as it is, but less is more most of the time. Although during the very short time I was on the detox, I found some yummy Almond cookies from the local vegan restaurant...they'll be a treat now and then no matter what "diet" I'm on.

Running is going well though. Slowly but surely I'm running a bit more but I haven't missed a day yet (except Sunday which is my day off to sleep in, which I actually got to do!) I'm really enjoying it and soon need to find a longer route as I'm out for less and less time each morning on my current one as I am able to move faster. At some point when we have a bit of extra money (though when in the hell is that ever going to be?! Money is tight, really tight...) I'd like to buy a really nice pair of running shoes. The ones I have right now are alright but a little clunky, so I'd like a nice light breathable pair.

Googling shoes now, instead of working...

Day 1, Day 4

2008-06-20T11:20:00.003-05:00

I'm starting my detox diet today and no it isn't really a "diet". I'm not counting calories but I am limiting myself to no caffeine (which is ok because I don't drink anything with it anyway), no sugar, no gluten (this means no bread...ouch), and no animal products (no meat, cheese, milk, etc.) and while that sounds extreme and rough...well, what I can eat is fresh fruit and veggies, brown rice, beans, a plethura of grains and various other things. So no worries, I'm not starving myself and I'm not striving to loose lots of weight. I just want my body to feel better. I've also added to the daily "can eat, can drink" a bottle of kombucha a day. Otherwise it's lots of water and soy or rice milk. This is pretty much a version of Tiff & Jeremy's diet and I'm happy to try it out and get rid of the toxins in my body left over from eating nasty crap...

So today is day one, it'll be tough, I have no doubt, especially in terms of not eating bread but worth it and a good challenge I think.

Today was also day 4 of my getting up every a.m. and running. Let me just preface this by saying that day 4 is usually where I don't feel like getting up and then don't, thus ruining the entire idea anyway. Today was no different than any other day 4 I've had before...the alarm went off and I silenced it and rolled over to slept another 10 minutes. The alarm went off again and I found myself bargaining mentally "I'll just run tonight instead....or I could run twice as long tomorrow" and then I thought, why am I doing this!? Get up! And so I did, 15 minutes later than usual but I got up! I got dressed, put on my shoes, plugged in my headphones and stepped out the door. I can't say I ran a lot today and I can't say I was out a long as usual but I can say that I got up, I did something, I powerwalked and I ran a bit and I got home feeling accomplished and proud that I didn't keep sleeping. So talk to me in 3 days when I'm on the hump of this detox and push me further...tell me to keep going! That I'll make it and that on day 5 I'll feel proud for getting over and beyond.....

Cleanse

2008-06-19T15:28:00.002-05:00

So I'm reading about a cleansing 21 day diet that basically sends you straight to the side of vegan. But it intrigues me and the idea of flushing my body of the bad crap within it is one the I think is good. Basically no caffeine, sugar, alcohol, gluten and animal products are allowed in your diet. We are eating really well right now but when you look at it in terms of this list of "no's"...well...I could certainly do better. I'm going to start tomorrow - 21 days, although I may extend it up until our trip to MN. And if I keep this running up (day 3 today...it is rough going at times but I'm not pushing too hard and really trying to keep a reasonable goal in mind) I think I will fulfill my goals of weight loss, body cleanse, and a general well being. Someday I'd like to run a marathon....someday a long long day from now but for now, I just want to feel better. Part of this idea came from celebrating a birthday today at work with a piece of lovely lemon/raspberry cake...it looked good, it tasted good but not even 10 minutes after eating it I had a gut ache and a headache. There is a reason it is bad for you and your body does everything it can do tell you so.

Along with the idea of cleansing, I was researching baby wipes this afternoon and came across a list of the good and the bad in terms of what to use while wiping you baby's bum. Ideally, I'd like to use cloth diapers and cloth wipes. But we live in a small rented duplex with a stacked washer and dryer in a city where water usage is a big financial deal. I just can't imagine having to wash diapers everyday in our little 1/2 load sized machine, it is all we would do! I feel like we're using the next best thing with Nature Babycare Diapers. They aren't as soft and stretchy as Pampers but then again they also aren't full of silica, plastics, and harshly chemicaled parts. So anyway, back to the wipe thing. I guess I hadn't really thought about the components of wipes...I mean, they're used to wipe the glue-like feces and pee from your baby's butt. And much like the way I think about the adult version, while it is nice to have the aloe vera plus vitamin E soft cushy toliet paper, it also costs an extremely significant amount more than the cheapey get the job done store brand stuff. So we've been getting Target brand wipes for awhile now, they're cheap and comparable to the Pampers wipes we used before (and let me tell you, we just started buying our own wipes in February, as we were gifted boxes of wipes from family) so here we are using the worst possible wipes on the market...and all because they are cheap. There is certainly something about getting what you pay for, I just wish I would have read this last night before we picked up a giant box of Target wipes. However, they'll be promptly returned and I'll be on my way to Wild Oats or the Co-Op to pick up one of the brands that are deemed ok. Or maybe I'll just start using cloth wipes...hmm, something else to google now.

Day 2

2008-06-18T10:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I ran in the morning with a friend and her dog. We walked a bit and didn't run very far but for someone who hasn't done any form of exercise in quite some time, I felt pretty accomplished. So this morning I went running again by myself. My legs were sore and my lungs felt like they were going to burst but I ran as much as I could,walked a bit and then ran again when I felt ready to. I know I have to start somewhere and it might as well be here. I'd like to become a runner...to be able to go out and run a few miles just to get out and really enjoy it. So I'll do my little walk/jog for awhile and keep stepping it up here and there. And I'll get there, my legs will be less sore, my lungs will fully expand and my heart will feel good.

It just takes making it a habit to get it done. And so far, I'm on a good start. Wish me luck.

On the fast track

2008-06-16T17:43:00.002-05:00

I'm determined for a few things to happen in the next few months. First, I'd like to loose a few pounds...a few being around 15 - 20. Problem is, I don't own a scale, nor do I want to as I will step on it twice a day everyday for no real result to be told. So I'm going to be extremely cheap and simply step on a scale at Target this evening when I purchase my MP3 player (so that I can run and not have to focus on just my labored breathing) to find out exactly what I currently weigh. I have a guess and I'm hoping I'm near it..."near it" meaning at the most that but hopefully below...and god forbid if I happen to be above. This want is brought on by my other "want", which is to get pregnant with baby #2. Why baby #2 has anything to do with loosing weight is this: I gained 42 lbs. with Harper which put me farther past the 200lb. mark than I ever want to be again. So this next time around I'm planning on weighing less to start out and to gain less throughout...I did pretty well with eating the first time around but this next time I'm sure I can convince myself that I don't need that much ice cream. Plus, as I was posting a picture of myself and Harper from this past weekend, I noticed just how nicely my stomach pooches out...which looks ever so much like the beginnings of a baby belly #2. Alas, it is only the leftovers from baby belly #1, so as not to get anyone's hopes up (nor my own) I need/want to loose a little poundage and then gain it all back growing a baby.

I'll let you know how it goes...as if you all care about the layers of pudge that surround my midsection.

A quick update

2008-06-11T23:15:00.003-05:00

We are officially New Mexico residents. We switched our MN driver's licenses to NM ones and our car now has a New Mexico plate. It is weird to see it without the Minnesota plate...like we are no longer just visiting here and we are no longer touristy feeling.

In other news, Harper learned how to sign "please" this morning. I showed her a few times at breakfast and this evening at supper she used it without prompting. So I think we're at that critical point in time where she is able to learn a number of signs, as she looks eager to use the ones she knows and to learn more. Here is a small list of others we'll be starting in the next few days/weeks:

Daddy
Milk (we've been using this already but have stopped as of late, so we'll pick it up again)
All done
Thank You
Eat (also another one we've already been using but recently cut down on)
Toy
Water
Dog
Dance
Help
Sad
Happy
Hurt
Scared
Hot/cold
Book
Again
Bath
Colors (Red, Blue, Yellow, etc.)
And so many more! Any suggestions?

We're off to bed now, it is late for us (10:30pm...we are such parents these days....) New pictures on flickr!

Summer in Santa Fe

2008-06-04T15:54:00.003-05:00

I'm terrible at keeping up with this blog. I try and I often come to my posting page and then suddenly don't feel like taking the time to do so. However, at the moment I am at work and I need a mental break (I don't really, I just have nothing drastically important to do at the moment...) .

Summer has officially come to Santa Fe. Most days it is in the 90s with sounds quite high to a Minnesota girl but they actually aren't that bad. The humidity here is nill (which resulted in my first bloody nose today since arriving in town 4 months ago) which makes the heat tolerable. Nick and I have both learned that even the smallest amounts of sun results in that pink freshly sunned look on your skin. We're careful now to use lots of sunscreen on ourselves and Harper. Just from riding in the car with your arm out the window tans it; Nick's right arm is more than than his left and it is vice versa for mine (so who do you think drives more?) =)

Life is going well here. Each weekends sees us frequenting the Farmer's Market and going for a mid-morning hike. Our garden is hanging on, though some spots barely. It takes lots of water and probably more tools than we have access to in order to make it a great garden but it is still living and some things are blossoming which we are hoping result in tomatoes and peppers. A few months will tell all.

Our daughter continues to grow like crazy. She is so close to walking we can all taste it but alas, she gets so excited when we let go that she breaks into panty giggles and falls to her butt. She more and more stands upright all on her own with a big grin on her face. And we are pretty sure she has said her official first word, which I'm proud to say is "mama". Up until this week it has been ongoing babblings of "mamamamamamamama". But these past few days it has been very deliberate "mama". Her voice is so cute and of course her daddy wants so bad for her to say "dada" that he repeats it to her often. She just smiles her goofy smile and stares, although earlier today I was behind Nick's head as he was saying "Can you say dada?" and I mouthed "mama" to which Harper looked at me and replied "mama". Sorry daddy! She is also very into nodding yes these days. Often when you ask her if she wants more, instead of signing it, she just nod her head. We went grocery shopping at Wild Oats last night and she picked up another Audubon Society Bird (she now has a Prairie Chicken and a Common Yellowthroat). She clutched her new bird, the Prairie Chicken, to her chest the rest of the shopping trip and then placed him on the conveyer belt at checkout. Needless to say she went to bed last night clutching both birds and her Hairy Bear (we should have named him from the get-go but he is now and forever Hairy Bear) and her lemming. I think she takes after her mama just a little bit as I remember very vividly as a child falling asleep with every stuffed animal I owned tucked in under my arm. She snuggles them all to her face and rocks while humming sweetly to them. She is a pretty amazing little girl. We're switching her over to all natural 100% compostable (really!) diapers as soon as they come in next week. I've always been wary of conventional diapers (i.e. Pampers) for a variety of reasons...the chemicals, the plastics, the bleaching and lets not forget the plastering of every single Sesame Street character on your child front, sides and back...thanks but uh, no thanks). I'm excited about these new ones and look forward to getting them. I've heard nothing but good things about them and they are the closest I can get to cloth diapers (for now anyway). I will say, however, that I do love Pamper Swaddlers. We ordered Harper this book yesterday: And I am SO excited to get it. Harper will love it because it is full of animals, which she loves and does this sharp in-take of breath squeal whenever she sees one (dogs, birds, basically any picture of any animal really) and I am already in love with it because the images are all woodcuts. As a printmaker I'm in love with it already as woodcuts are one of my favorite forms of printing. It should be here by Friday and I can't wait!

I end my days at my current job in about a month and a half. July 23rd to be exact. I can't wait. I like it here but the prospect of what is ahead of me is too exciting. I get to be home with my girl while watching two other little ones in our home. Lots of work but lots of fun! Nick will be either teaching at Desert Academy (if job interviews happen and go well, we're both hopeful) or substitute teaching for the public schools, which could very well be a full-time job if he wants.

We head back to MN the 24th of July for our visit. We don't fly back to NM until the 15th of August, which means we're going to try our hardest to fit a trip in to Glacier National Park, as we have reservations at our favorite place Many Glacier Lodge. We'll see how it all pans out...

So until my next horribly delayed update, my friends! Always new pictures up at Flickr (well, at least every few days) to enjoy!

Why I don't like Santa Fe

2008-05-20T12:10:00.004-05:00

There are many reasons that make me not want to live in Santa Fe for more than a few years. The color green is hard to come by (unless you want a really expensive water bill), dirt is everywhere, yards are crappy, and newest of all....black widow spiders live here. Yes, as I was walking into work yesterday morning I noticed a rather large spider hanging by the door handle. (great spot, by the way, thank you spider) It not huge but big in terms of the kind of spiders I know and it was shiny black...it was hardly moving, so I think it was pretty much dead/dying. I grabbed a bunch of paper towels and picked it up by the silk string from which it was hanging from and preceded to move it to the sidewalk. Upon getting it on the sidewalk it fell from the paper towel onto its back which then exposed its belly where the bright red hourglass shape that screams "I'm a black widow spider! I can kill you!" was glaring up at me. It was then that spider met rock because, well, I didn't really feel like letting a spider that could cause one of my limbs to die and have to be removed to continue living near a place that I frequent often.

And now I am all paranoid, checking corners, cervices and handles before touching, moving, or opening them.

Let me end this post by saying that there are many things I love about Santa Fe. It just happened that one of the reasons I don't (and which I feared, though hadn't experienced yet) reared its ugly head yesterday and scared me into knowing even more that this place shall not be my forever home...

Guilt

2008-05-11T15:51:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here eating from a bag of Trader Joes's Veggie Chips feeling ever so guilty that I even bought them in the first place. And so I stop but then my mind travels to the huge container of blackberries and the two bunches bananas on top of the fridge. (there are two because on the grocery run previous to yesterday, we had bought bananas that didn't seem to want to ripen...they are chalky & hard....so we bought more....) I think to myself "Duh! Ashley! You said you were going to eat local...." And I hang my head in a bit of shame. Of course bananas are healthy and delicious but they also do not grow in my backyard, nor anywhere near it and so, I want those to be the last bananas we buy. But can I do it? It is so easy to peel one and hand a chunk to Harper who will happily devour it. Same goes for the blackberries...woo hoo they are organic...but not from any farm near here. How does this work? How do I find the right balance? We've signed up for the box of food a week from a local farm but so far only half of the produce a week (or less) has actually been from that farm. They apparently outsource to fellow organic farms in CO, CA, & Mexico. I'm happy to know that the food is organic but I'm sad to know that what I thought was going to be a box of only local food, thus far is not. It still makes a significant amount of travels to end up in the recyclable box that I pick up every Monday. But I understand to a degree, the growing season is short here in New Mexico and thus far all they would be giving customers is huge boxes of greens and I guess that isn't much of a draw for many. I understand but it is still frustrating. We bought a loaf of bread yesterday because I haven't made any in a few days...why? I'm not sure, I guess I just haven't gotten around to it and what a horrible excuse that is! But at the same time I have done some lovely-homey-from-our-kitchen sort of things lately. Like my swiss chard quiche from scratch...the crust made with organic stone ground wheat and my own homemade butter. Little things like that matter, I know they do and I know it will be a slow process of getting to the place I want to be in terms of cooking and what my family eats. We'll get there....but when "there" is a small organic farm with room for our own milking cow, chickens, ducks, lambs, etc. and gardens a plenty...well, I guess we have a ways to go...we'll get there all the same...we will.

It just takes some practice, some time, and some dedication. And so I am off to bake some bread and contemplate where to put our garden.

Bakfietsen

2008-05-04T21:04:00.002-05:00

I want one of these bikes. Seriously. I want to steer one of these giant bikes with my daughter and whatever else she chooses to bring along all tucked in. I want to save gas and contribute to helping this world be better, one bike pedaler at a time. They are rather expensive, however, and when this want also comes at a time where I want to pay off my debt and I want to actually have a savings account that has *gasp* savings in it...well, it sort of puts the want of a really cool bike on the back burner. Someday, someday...

In other news, I may have solved my job dilema, which was not wanting to work a job that keeps me away from my daughter. So instead I am now looking into nannying for a few families with small children. I hesitate to even want to call it daycare, because to me that brings up not so good thoughts in my minds. Plus, I do not want to run a daycare...I want to be at home with my daughter while getting the opportunity to watch a few other children. It will be great to bring in an income while getting to be home at the same time. I am currently talking to two families, one with a 6 week old who would be 5 months by the time I start watching her, and one with two children; a 4 month old and a 2 year old. It will be a handful to have 4 children to care for under the age of 2 but the two children would be 2, maybe 3 times a week at most, so I am sure it is doable. Whenever baby #2 comes to our household, then it will be different. I assume I would only want one or two children extra at most but that has yet to be an issue and probably will not be for awhile.

So now I have a time-line, a honest to goodness countdown to a time when I will get to be home and it makes me so happy. I started crying out of happiness when these things began falling into place the other day. It has escaped me at times just how badly I want to be home. I have certainly cried my fair share about it but I have really been trying to think differently about it lately, because what is the use in sulking over something that could not be changed in an instant. So when tears welled in my eyes, I realized just how badly my heart and my mind need to be at home and how beyond happy it makes me to think of it as a plausible option of employment.

Life is and has been grand since moving to Santa Fe and now it only looks to get even better...

Not just another day

2008-04-27T22:14:00.003-05:00

She is one now. Officially.

I will write about it some other day....I will write about the day one year ago that I met the most lovely person I could ever imagine in this world. I will write about how warm she was as she was placed near my face and I got to kiss her soft cheeks. And I will write about this day; the day where that same little person who now gabbers often and cruises around furniture on her chubby little legs and opens presents with gusto.

I will write about it. I will. But for now I am going to keep it sacred in my head and my heart. Because today is not just another day...

Little pieces of my heart are breaking in two

2008-04-22T20:46:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to my daughter fuss herself to sleep. I do not handle this very well. She keeps settling down and then it is like she remembers what she was doing and continues her panicked crying. She is tired and I know it is why she is fighting sleep. She is dry, clean, fed, and simply needs to let herself go to sleep. However, she has been rearing her independent mind lately and tonight is one of those times where her independence is at its finest. Every moment I feel like I should go in she begins to settle down but we are going on 10 minutes here and I do not think I can do it much longer. I ache enough for her as it is during the day, I do not need her cries to break my heart in the evenings when I am here.

She is no longer a baby and it is hard for me to come to terms with. She is a toddler through and through, even though she isn't quite walking yet. Although today she cruised around the entire house pushing the laundry basket or her little toy basket. while walking behind. I think walking is on the near horizon. She has also begun to shake her head no when she doesn't want something and for some reason has decided she no longer gives smooches...unless you are really lucky and she forgets that she has decided not to but even then you are lucky to sneak in even just one.

She is quiet now, oh, nevermind crying again........and now is again quiet. I just want to snuggle her and fall asleep with her in my arms like I did not so many months ago.

Wrapping my brain around it

2008-04-18T16:39:00.002-05:00

I have decided, it is all in the way you think about something that determines your emotions towards it and your success at it. I hate being away from my daughter, there is no question about that but I need to look at the other side of things. She is at least at home, with her toys, in her house, with her daddy which is far better than going off to daycare. That in itself is enough for me to rejoice. And I know they are doing well together. She doesn't cry when I leave in the morning, instead she gives me a smooch and waves from the window while in her daddy's arms., and she is in one piece when I come home in the evening. And she is thriving.

Would I rather be home. Yes. Will I do okay for awhile not being home. Yes. Do we need me to work the job I have and make good money at. Yes.

Soon enough I'll get to stay home, whenever we choose to have another baby will dictate my staying home for sure. At least for the first number of months anyway. But that is all in the future.

But for now...well, for now I am going to be proud that I am providing for my family and I am going to be thankful that I have a husband who loves to stay home with our daughter and does such a great job at it. I am going to be happy that my daughter is happy. I'm going to stop being sad about something that we cannot change much about right now and instead look forward to the time we do have together, cherish, love it, and be thankful for it.

It is just in the way you think about things and I'm starting a whole new way.

The root of all evil

2008-04-16T17:53:00.002-05:00

I hate money. I am bad with it and even when it seems like things are going alright, they are not.

I know I spend far too much money on Harper and I need to stop. I don't want her to be a child that thinks she can get anything she wants no matter the cost. And it isn't that I do that really, but I see things I know she would like and I buy clothes that are unique and a bit more expensive so that she doesn't have to wear the glittery pink girly crap that is out there.

And then this happens. The big red numbers on your bank statement that you do not want to see.

How do I get better at it? How do I teach myself to spend better and less? Especially if we want to survive on one income. I need to learn and I need to learn fast.

At least I'm not out wasting my money on heels and handbags. But I guess spending money you don't have is all relative and the same no matter what it is spent on.

Perhaps I need to stop fooling myself.

Tears

2008-04-11T11:51:00.003-05:00

I don't cry often. It isn't that I feel I shouldn't because truly, I am a very emotional person. But there is something about crying that makes me feel a little weak. I've cried more in the last few days than I have in a long time. Plain and simple: I am sad. I'm not depressed and I'm not low on life. I am sad because I miss my daughter. Let me preface this by saying that I understand many people have to work and leave their children or send them to daycare. I get that. I understand what it is like to need money. It is just that I miss my time with her so much that it makes me stomach ache and leads me to break down in tears. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who is staying home with our daughter while I am off working and I think it is great that she has a parent at home with her instead of being shipped off to daycare. He is a great dad and I know they do well with each other while I am not there. But in all selfish-ness, I want that to be me. I want to be home with her. I want to put her down for naps and take her for walks. I got to spend her first 10 months at home with her and I was so lucky to be able to do that but I miss it. I hate that money is what forces us to leave our families and work. And the thing is, where I work is a good place. They are great people and have already been so flexible in cutting down my hours but keeping me a good pay. But as nice as that is, it isn't what I truly long for, which is to be home with my child.

As of right now there is no remedy for this. If I stop working here than our family doesn't have the kind of $ we need to get by. Nick has started a part-time job at a local private school to substitute teach, which is great and may perhaps lead into an opportunity to full-time but it isn't right now and I'm still going to work each day and seeing my daughter a handful of hours a day. My mom tries to remind me that I'm not missing out on as much time as I think due to naps but it isn't just about being home with our daughter...it is about being home and taking care of our home. Cleaning, making meals, taking care of where we live. I want that. I want the life of a stay at home mama.

I don't know what to do and I don't know how long I can sit here and ache to be home.

Self portrait

2008-04-04T16:40:00.002-05:00

I am literally doing nothing at work. I did actually do a few things earlier today and there are a few more I could be doing right now but I am the only one here and nothing is too pressing that needs to be done at 4pm on a Friday afternoon.

So...instead, I have spent several minutes on end window shopping on etsy.com and watching an elephant paint a portrait of an elephant...seriously, check this out:

Elephant Paints Portrait

Other than that I wish I were home with my husband and daughter. I miss them and I look forward to the weekend of breakfast at the Crepe Shoppe and hiking.

Also, I really want to be pregnant again. It is an itch that will not go away...how we haven't gotten pregnant up to now is beyond me but now I am getting all paranoid that I won't be able to, even though we aren't actually trying for a baby at this point. Anyway, that was perhaps too personal and random of a thought but oh well...

And my weekend begins in one hour and 10 minutes.

What I what is what I need

2008-04-03T15:41:00.002-05:00

I want to grow my own food. I want to buy local and organic. I want to eat seasonally. I want to stop wasting food. I want to eat better. I want to bake my own bread and make my own pasta. I want to give my family the best that they deserve.

Yes it will be tough. Yes it will be a learning experience. Yes it will take time. But I am ready and willing. There really isn't any excuse not to.

It all starts soon. I'm going to dig up a part of my yard this weekend to prepare for a garden. I'll bring in rich soil and fence off a bit so that dog cannot get in. I want to get dirty and watch things grow.

I want all of this but even more so, I think I need it. My family needs it.

Book club here we come with Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Let's get inspired.

I hate pink

2008-03-26T15:52:00.001-05:00

Let me also say in an unrelated note that shoes made for little girls make me want to puke. Sorry but I do not feel the need to dress my daughter in frills, florals, and pastel. Why in the world do shoes of all things need to specify gender?!

A few thoughts at the end of the day

2008-03-25T17:13:00.002-05:00

This will be random but here is what is in my mind lately:

I miss old high school friends and hope to reconnect with some.

I am in major baby aching mode; meaning I want another.

My wallet is lost and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I had a dream about my wallet last night it is on my mind so much.

Our daughter is nearly 1 and I cannot believe how fast time has gone even though it sometimes feels like it has been far longer than a year.

I have been pondering lately how much life can change with just one idea or decision.

I hate money and I hate that the world revolves around it.

I pushed the lotion thingy too hard today after washing my hands which resulted in a large gob of lotion running down the front of my new shirt. This is annoying.

I wish I knew how to sew better because I want to make Harper's clothes but for not ordering things from Etsy creators will have to soothe the want.

I miss nursing Harper and now my boobs are all weird post-baby feeding from them. This I do not appreciate much.

It is hard to believe how much my life has changed in the past 5 years much less in the past 1.

I sometimes feel like I cannot remember the details from the day Harper was born or even my wedding.

I am jealous of people I know who are pregnant due to the baby ache, although still extremely excited for them. I just wish it could be me too!

I am missing green outdoors.

I am not sure if I'll be able to stay in Santa Fe much longer than a few years. It is beautiful here but lots of dirt and no green grass.

The places that life takes you

2008-03-25T14:32:00.002-05:00

I am currently "working" which today entails a few minutes of actual working and a lot more minutes of being online. My job is great but sometimes I am beyond bored and would much rather be spending my time at home with my daughter. Oh well, such is life I suppose and we obviously need the $ so here I am...working...

Life is going well. My job hours have been pushed down to 35 a week which was very nice of them because I was hardly getting to see Harper. Now we have an entire hour and a half in the morning before I go to work, plus lunch, plus after work. You wouldn't really think it, but an extra hour really does make a huge difference.

So I have a lot to write down but now my actual job duties call. I shall return later.

A few new pictures up at Flickr of one growing little girl and her messy meals.

Busy days in Santa Fe

2008-03-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

This will be a quick one but here is the info:

We've officially moved! As in, everything is now in our house and majority of the things hung on the walls...it looks like we live there! Hooray!

Things are going well here. I am settling into my new job quite well, even though it is a busy time at the moment as we are celebrating our 18th birthday this Wednesday. Thankfully Tiff is staying through until Friday to help get things sorted out, most likely much to her disliking but I have to say I am more than happy she is here. It would have been a lot of stuff to take in, in such a short period of time. Starting next week though, I am on my own but I will at least have Tiff only a phone call away if I need some direction for awhile.

Harper is doing quite well...continuing to cut teeth with almost all 4 of her top teeth in...the first one to show up completely though is the eye tooth on the left side so when she smiles you get this weird fang-like view of her new pearly white. =) The rest are just about through. It is incredible and strangely crazy how much one little person can change within a year's time. Nick and I were lying in bed the other night talking about how a year seems like nothing to an adult but when you think about how much our daughter has grown and changed in a year it makes one much more appreciative of time.

Nick is doing well, although he hasn't heard back from Desert Academy after many phone calls and emails (even after they reassured him they would be getting back to him soon) So he is now putting his efforts into getting The Coop Theatre up and running with Tiff and Jeremy. I am not sure if that is the official name yet but it is in the works and he is extremely passionate about the whole thing. It is lovely to see and I am very excited for him to feel that way about something. In my highest of hopes I want it to go well and work out. I know it will mean a lot of hard work and perseverance but I know that they can do it.

Anyway, I am at work and should probably work. We are getting internet at home soon, so I'll be able to update more often and actually do some things from home.

Until then, a few updated pictures on Flickr. Enjoy!

Growth

2008-02-20T21:55:00.000-06:00

Our baby girl is crawling....CRAWLING!!!

How much can life change in less than two weeks?! Seriously....

Transitions

2008-02-19T18:12:00.002-06:00

Is it possible to be sad and happy about one thing at the same time? I got a job today which is exciting and wonderful and my first "real" job. It is at a great gallery on Canyon Road here in Santa Fe and is a great opportunity for growth and will be a fast paced/dynamic job. It means $31,200 a year which isn't great but it is a good place to start from. Now to the "bad" parts. It means leaving Harper for 8 hours or more a day, which literally breaks my heart. At least Nick will be home with her and I know they will do well, it is just...I wanted to be that person. Actually, ideally I want us both to be home and be able to spend the days together as a family. Too bad the world sucks and money makes us leave one another in order to survive. Even with the money I am bringing in it will still be tight and Nick may have to look for a part-time job anyway but it is a start. A place to jump from and hopefully a place to support my family from. If this place grows like they hope in the next year there will be opportunities for bigger and better things.

Growing up. Having a life. *sigh* I suppose it has to happen to us all some day. So instead of being all mopey about it I am deciding to be excited and hopefully enjoy myself. I start March 5th.

Also, we have added a new member of the family. No, not another baby (yet), but a dog that we rescued from the shelter. His name is Whitman, as in Walt, and he is wonderful. A few pictures are on flickr. More to come.

Housing

2008-02-14T10:11:00.003-06:00

It is a little frightening to travel to a new state that you have never been to and say you are going to live in a city you've not seen aside from pictures. But then we got here and we fell in love with it. However, the stress of finding a place to live is still just that; stress. I have been looking every single day for the past few weeks at places to live in Santa Fe. Even before we knew we'd be moving sooner rather than later I was looking and hardly finding anything. Then we got here and options seemed to dwindle to nothing. Until this one house showed up and it was beautiful. Beautiful Santa Fe charm with vigas (round wood beams exposed in the ceiling), gorgeous Mexican tile in the front room and a kiva fireplace. We chose to think about it and not call the people back that same day but instead the next. Now they haven't returned any of our phone calls (and we've called 4 times and left messages) so for as much as we loved the place it became obvious that it wasn't the place for us. Then yesterday we looked at two places. One was a dump of an apartment at WAY too much money for what it was and the other was a duplex not too far from Tiff & Jeremy. Aside from being a duplex and being a bit further from downtown than we wanted, it has everything we did want (including a washer & dryer and nice appliances, which the house did not have) so we filled out the rental application yesterday and turned it in. This morning we got the call...we got the duplex! Hooray! It is cute, though not nearly as much Santa Fe charm as the house but it makes up for it in other ways. We are going back today to see it again and look over the lease. We'll take lots of pictures.

Also, in the job market, I may have an interview at a gallery to be an administrative assistant. I had an interview the other day at what turned out to be a lot more of a temp agency than I had initially thought and they were going to have me do some front desk job at a trust fund company but I declined and I just didn't feel right about it. However, yesterday they called and are going to set up an interview for me at Wiford Gallery. It would be great to be in an art related area and to use my office skills. Plus, you have to start somewhere so maybe I'd get the opportunity to move up or at least learn more about the gallery community here in Santa Fe and perhaps find an even better job elsewhere. The only downfalls to the job is that it is a full-time 9-5 job...which means I will be away from Harper which I really did not want. But if it is what is best for us than I'm ok with it. Also, Nick was really hoping to substitute teach at Desert Academy but if I have a full-time job he will need to be home with Harper...so we may need to figure out a different job for him part-time but we'll see.

Anyway, we are looking at the duplex again at 11:30am and will post pictures this afternoon.

Our mountain oasis

2008-02-11T08:14:00.000-06:00

Santa Fe is beautiful. We have been here since Friday evening and have already found ourselves awed by the beauty of it.

I have a job interview today and we are looking at a house this afternoon. Hopefully all will go well and fall into place. It has been wonderful to be near T, J, & M again and to have our own little Santa Fe family, which now includes new friends Thomas and Emily.

I know this post should be longer and more informative and interesting but I'm hungry, so I'm off to the kitchen to mix up some berries and soy yogurt. I promise I'll post again soon with more to say.

Also, Nick say Jake Gyllenhaal yesterday on our venture downtown...

Updates galore

2008-02-01T16:33:00.000-06:00

Not much time here, as the library is closing shortly. But there are TONS of new pictures on Flickr and we are moving down to Santa Fe in 6 days. I have an interview on Monday the 11th. We have a few apartments/housing to check out. Mark & Carol are moving our stuff down on the 21st. We cannot wait to see Tiff, Jeremy, & Morgan and to be in our new city. LOTS of excitement going on here, LOTS!!

Yay for a wonderful life!

25 days and counting

2008-01-27T14:53:00.000-06:00

We're hanging out at my mom's house currently although we had plans to leave today but our car had different plans. It is sitting in a shop waiting for a new starter to be put in tomorrow and while it is there it'll get a good once over (meaning oil change, fluids check, etc. etc.) While this proves to be somewhat annoying the most wonderful part about it is that it means we are getting our car ready for our BIG trip. We are moving to Santa Fe in 25 days, instead of in May. After much debate, much boredom with our current life, and many talks we decided why not leave now!? And so we are.

We will be staying with Tiffany, Jeremy and Morgan for awhile so that we can find a place of our own and jobs. And we cannot wait. Talk about an adventure of all adventures. There is a bit of figuring out to do but it will all be done and we will make it work. The mere thought of being in a new place in less than a month makes me itch with anticipation and excitement. There is a tiny bit of sadness in the thought of leaving our families but we feel like if we don't do this now we may never.

So anyhow, as the many changes in our lives happen I will continue to post here and update Flickr. Watch with us as we start out on our adventure!!

We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe....sunny Santa Fe will be Niiice.

2008-01-13T11:36:00.000-06:00

Ok, so we aren't really opening a restaurant but the decision has been made. We're moving to Santa Fe. And we are SO excited. We are waiting until after Harper's 1st birthday and Nick's graduation, which means mid-May. The wait is going to be difficult but it will mean being able to save a bit more $ for the move which in the end is a good thing.

We truly cannot wait and are looking at apartments/housing whenever possible and getting an idea of everything. I think it is going to be an amazing and fun adventure and now is the time for it. Plus we will be near Tiff and Jeremy and that in itself makes it worth it. We have friends here in MN but there is nothing like having the kind who truly love you, care about you and understand your life. They love us as us and they love us as parents....they understand who we are and they love our daughter in a way that makes me feel blessed to know them. Nick and I jokingly talk about us all moving around the states together in a little commune...but I'm pretty sure we are both somewhat serious about it and hope that we can be near them always. We miss them both so much and the thought of being able to make a short jaunt to see them is thrilling! It was wonderful when we lived 3 hours from them so I cannot imagine how nice it will be to be in the same city!!

Well, I am off to update casualty lists (my actual need to be online and yet I have spent the last hour updating things and surfing etsy....oops.)

Flickr is updated!!!

Until next week.

Fork in the road. Do we go right or left?

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-06:00

Well, we have been out of Morris for just under a month. It has been like a constant vacation. Although soon we need to come out of the fog and actually get jobs as our savings account dwindles down each time we go to get groceries or peruse Target.

We have decided to move and not just to the cities. Santa Fe or Portland. Santa Fe because our dearest friends are there which means fun, love, and security of having known people near by. Portland because it is our dream and an area that suits our tastes. And now we don't know what to do. We're going to visit Santa Fe and if we love it, then Santa Fe it is. If we don't then off to Portland.

We need a change. We just have to decide where that will be.

Harper is getting huge and is beyond lovely. She is beginning to cruise furniture and just about pulls herself up. She is also sleeping in her own crib again (whew! although I miss the late night snuggles....not the constant attachment to the boob, however...)

Sorry to cut this short but I need to head to Cubs for some groceries and them home to the husband and our girl.

I shall post again soon and update Flickr as well. I meant to do that today but left my camera at home. Oops.

Anyway, until later....

We're moving, we're moving!

2007-12-14T19:11:00.000-06:00

Ahh! Tomorrow morning we start our big move. Our apartment is an array of boxes and baby toys. Majority of the things that could be packed are packed and then there is this little corner of the living room that still belongs to Harper. It is covered in her toys, books, & ribbons. Hopefully the move will go smoothly and quickly.

In thinking about living/working arrangements, it is very difficult to come up with a set decision. My mother says it isn't even worth looking for a place in the cities until nicer weather. Because truly, who would want to move us all over again in the bitter winter cold? I, for one, would not like it very much. I am in no hurry to get out of Mark & Carol's during the winter...by spring I would like our own place especially because it would be the perfect time of year to explore our new neighborhood and get a good sense of the cities. Plus, Harper will be old enough to toddle around and enjoy places. The work thing though is another story. Nick hasn't even started looking for work, which rightfully so as he has been busy with school. I however, have been applying to jobs in the cities. I do not want to work full time though and I do not want to have to commute in everyday. I did get a call back today from one of the jobs I applied to, a temporary Admissions job with Macalester College. It pays relatively well but it would mean taking $ over the two things I don't want - being away from Harper and commuting daily. Nick and I have discussed just having jobs in the area by Mark & Carol's until we make the move to the cities, which we would hopefully have lined up work in the cities as well. Ugh, I don't even know what ot think of it anymore. We need $ obviously to get by but I also want to enjoy time with our daughter and not get to see her only before bedtime....

So instead of truly thinking deeply about the fate of our family in the coming months, I am instead shopping for Harper online. I need to STOP!! But Etsy.com is the most addicted website ever and there is far too much that I want. Here are two stores I am contemplating purchasing from tonight. The first is obviously for Harper and it is a place that I have visited many times. Jamtart Baby has the most drool worthy baby things ever. Seriously. I love the Evie Makes Me Smile blanket and the pillows. I don't think I can get away with not getting something this time....The other Etsy shop I covet is Katrina Kaye which has the coolest bags around. I want so many of them!! They seem like they'd work well enough for bag/diaper bag in one. Definitely room for a diaper and wipe and some toys...along with my wallet & cell phone. I am just tired of carrying around a diaper bag that doesn't work well anyway and is ugly.

So I am off to shop and wait for Nick to return from work so that we can continue packing.

A weight off one shoulder and now I stand uneven

2007-12-10T17:06:00.001-06:00

The show is finished. It was, for lack of a better word, amazing. First, to know that my husband was behind it all made me very proud and secondly, the actors did such a fantastic job. Tim, as Adam, had me crying both times I saw the last scene; something I haven't experienced in live theatre before. While I may be biased, I think it was the best show I've seen at Morris and many others felt the same.

However, I cannot deny that I am thrilled it is done. It has been on Nick's mind constantly for months and most recently has meant many nights without him. While it all ended up very much worth it, I still am glad to have it done and behind us. But alas, the loveliness could not last long, as now Nick goes into the final push to get everything done before the end of the semester. Papers and tests and papers and tests. Last night he was on campus until 3am working on a paper. One weight on, one left remaining. He is at work now, after being on campus until 3:15pm. He then crashed for a 30 minute cat nap before leaving at 4pm. I don't mind the time alone as I have always been one to spend my time generally on my own but I do miss his company very much and I know Harper would love him to be around more as well. Plus, we are here in Morris in winter and Nick takes the car most times he is gone....which means Harper and I are stuck here in this apartment for long hours at a time.

I have a significant list of things to do as well but as it continues to grow my zeal to get it all done lessens daily. I cannot wait to get out of this town. An example of my boredom is this: I just tried to get an imprint of Harper's hand in paint....by myself......I don't think I need to go into too much detail for you to know that what I ended up with is a gushy rendition of what sort of looks like Harper's hand and paint everywhere...my hands, my arms, my leg, Harpers cheek, Harper's shirt, and the floor. I should have known better. Then as I was washing off my hand, Harper face planted to the floor while trying to reach for her ladybug shaker. Needless to say she was upset, so after a bit of a snuggle and nursing she is now taking a short nap before dinner, which is fine with me as she usually falls asleep around 6:30-7pm which doesn't make for an easy time getting her to bed later on in the evening.

I've applied to a few jobs but have heard nothing. I need to revamp my resume a bit, as it is currently quite basic due to having to get it out quickly to meet deadlines. I think I am just going to wait until we get to Mark & Carol's to apply to any others, unless something great pops up. I cannot wait for us to have a small period of time of nothing but enjoying each other's company and our families. We're allowing ourselves a bit of lazy time before really pushing hard into the "real world"....we both deserve it, Nick especially after this final semester of his college days.

So I guess I should get to my list of things to do, which is as follows, in no particular order...well, except for the wedding thank yous which are indeed #1, 2, & 3 on the list....nothing like procrastination to make others think you are unappreciative gits...

- Wedding thank yous - they are embarassingly late
- Wedding thank yous
- Wedding thank yous
- Christmas cards
- packing for our move this weekend
- work for Don
- re-saving files in another format for Don, as the first is apparently too large
- laundry
- did I say packing, which we haven't even started...and that we are moving THIS WEEKEND!?

- Christmas shopping - I have over done our budget on Harper alone and still have everyone else to buy for....*sigh*

Oh, also, there are new pictures of Harps up at flickr. And seriously, unless you want gag over how cute she is or exclaim about how 99.9% of the pictures are all of her, I wouldn't check it out.

Christmas presents....hooray!

2007-12-06T21:34:00.000-06:00

I think I may have gone slightly overboard on Harper's Christmas presents...and by slightly I mean a ridiculous amount. I ordered a number of toys from Oompa, a few hand crafted items from Etsy sellers and an large amount of books from Usborne. Because I have the time, I'll post links to everything I got her, so, with patience abound here is the list:

This Micro Clutching Toy from Haba....a teether/rattle/cool looking toy:

Ballino from Haba...another cool rattle/ball/cool toy:

Pull-Along Snail from Plan Toys:

Le Grand Voyage from Haba:

Fabric Jingle balls from AppleBlossomBaby on Etsy:

And finally...this Twiddle Lovey from Keiko Boutique on Etsy. Harper loves tags and ribbons so I thought this would be perfect:

Ummm...yeah...did I mention she is only 7.5 months old and will probably be more interested in the wrapping paper than anything, but I had fun shopping for her! The books I bought I may save some back for later on, but we'll see, I have a hard time holding on to gifts. I might become a consultant for Usborne books - a new venture to think about.

I also found another blog recently that I love. Sara's Toy Box.

So now I'm going to wait for Nick to come home from tonight's show and try to justify the large amount of $ I just spent on books. We want her to be a smart kid, right?!!? =)

Why I don't want to live in Minnesota my entire life

2007-12-01T11:46:00.000-06:00

This is what it currently looks like outside of our apartment:I realize that this is the first real snow of the season and it always gets people's panties in a bunch but seriously, I hate winter. Especially this kind of winter. Give me pristine snow glistening in the warm afternoon winter sun on a day that you can actually see across your yard well and I'll take winter for all it is worth. However, the reality is biting wind that blows little chunks of frozen water across your face and that is not pleasant. Plus, have you tried to take a baby outside in weather like this? It is hard enough bundling yourself up to brave the cold but trying to bundle up an infant who doesn't like to be shoved in a carseat with every stitch of warm clothing you can find on her and suddenly braving days like these seems an immeasurable task.

So, after braving the elements for a brief jaunt to the grocery store to stock up on every kind of grocery imaginable, like every good Minnesotan does when the first hint of winter arrives, we are now housebound and I am bored. Harper is napping, thank goodness as she was somewhat of a badger last night in terms of sleep, and I am contemplating jobs to apply to while waiting for Nick to call so I can go pick him up. Perhaps it is just the bad mood brought upon by the disgusting weather but at the moment I can think of nothing more unappealing than working a full-time job. I want nothing but to stay home with Harper and take care of her and our house, whenever we end up in a new place. But, because I worked more jobs than Nick that make me more marketable on the job front, I have to look and at least try in some capacity to get a job.

And so, I am off to continue my search...while actually snooping around flickr, checking my email, shopping on etsy and reading Sweet Juniper while sipping my new Good Earth tea, all the while trying to forget that outside it looks like a white wasteland of winter.

I let my child play with garbage

2007-11-30T17:36:00.000-06:00

A teething/screaming baby is not fun to try and feed. Not to mention the poor child was poopy, which my non-smelling nose did not know and really, who the hell would want to sit in their own feces while trying to be fed green beans? She was furious at me but hungry all at once and couldn't eat fast enough to fill her poor belly. I only hope whatever is pushing its way through her tiny pink gums will make an appearance soon so that this semi-crabby baby that is living in Harper's skin will ease up a bit on the grumpiness.

So now, the freshly diapered & fully fed infant is sitting on the floor of a living room that will soon not be ours playing with an empty chip bag from Subway and absolutely loving every second of it. I am seriously contemplating keeping the empty bag to use when another inevitable crabby moment arises.

She isn't crawling yet but instead rolls herself across the room to get to the places she deems worthy of her time. In our small apartment, this mostly means beneath her swing where she can make it move with her feet or hands or over to the records where she has learned rather efficiently to pull them out of the apple crate. Anything she can stick in her mouth she does, at this point mostly to try and sooth her gums but also just to explore and see what everything is. She has a new favorite book that she absolutely beams every time I read it to her. She recognizes the cover and I cannot even get through the first line without her excited hoots and gummy grins of happiness. I love it.

Nick's show is almost here - it opens next Wednesday. As much as I am happy about it and glad he had the opportunity to do it, I am genuinely happy it is just about over. It has been a stressful month of not seeing my husband much, especially this past week. Today he came home for 15 minutes between everything...no offense theatre production that holds my husband's entire graduation potential but that isn't enough time for me...It is a big deal and I am so proud of him because I know the show is going to be amazing but truly, we'd like him back home. Of course the show ends, packing and moving begins and then finals week.

Otherwise all is quite well here. Getting ready for the big move and hoping we can make life work the way we'd both like...fingers crossed it will. I have to go...previously said infant has abandoned empty chip bag and has rolled her way to the DVD player, which she often tries to pull off the shelf. So instead, another chip bag picture to leave you with for now:

I am a super mom

2007-11-16T19:21:00.000-06:00

Quick, and overly belated, post. I just ran errands, cooked 2 pots of chili, made desserts, cleaned our house, bathed our daughter, fed our daughter and had it all ready for 15 people to be here around 5pm.

I am beat and I too many sweet desserts. Which results in a gut ache.

Harper is sleeping and I have my feet up while watching a show online.

I'll write later.....or some day in the near future at least....

Sorry for the delay

2007-10-01T13:06:00.000-05:00

Even with the best intentions I obviously have neglected this blog. Life continues on outside the confines of this computer, which is why I suppose I haven't gotten on here lately. So I'll attempt a large update all at once again:

Our beautiful little girl is 5 months old now! When did this happen!? When did I stop being pregnant, when did we stop counting her age in weeks?? She is beginning to sit up now for significant periods of time before nosediving into the floor, she is squealing all the time, smiling constantly and turning herself in circles while on her belly. We're putting off cereal for a few more weeks because she has had some pooping issues lately (and that is all we'll say about that). All in all life is going wonderfully here.

Work is going well for both Nick and I. I'm enjoying the perks of working at a fitness center, where I get a free membership for working at least 10 hours a week, as well as 50% off personal training. So I just signed up for 6 personal training sessions, which is great. I have only gone a handful of times but I already feel a difference...now in order to see one I just need to watch what I eat a bit better than I currently do. I think Nick is getting quite sick of his job actually and the politics of a small town business with workers that take themselves far too seriously. Thankfully he will be starting his show stuff here in the near future and won't be working much, save for the weekends. Which financially isn't all that wonderful but mentally and physically it is a good thing.

We're moving to Mark & Carol's by Christmas time and then will hopefully have our own place in the cities within a few months from then. We are so lucky that they are willing to let us stay with them and it will be nice to be there too. They have a great house and it will be so good to have people around. We're going to take a good break before starting up the job/apartment hunt and just enjoy the fact that we are done with college and about to start the next big chapter of our lives.

I have been putzing around on my sewing machine lately and have made Harper a toy bear and a soft fabric block. I am rather horrible at sewing but getting much better and will someday tackle the intricate ideas I have in mind. Now that I know I can sew the blocks and bears however, I intend to make her more. I am determined to not have a child that thinks toys need to make noise or be plastic to entertain her. Plus with etsy I can find a number of other handmade toys from fellow craft people if I cannot make them myself.

I guess that is pretty much it for now. I swear I'll do my best to keep at this a bit better in the future but for now I will leave you with a picture of Harper chewing on her new block (which, yes mom, is tightly sewn shut so she cannot choke on the stuffing)

So many changes, so little time

2007-09-07T20:39:00.000-05:00

Where to begin!?

I suppose I will begin with some Harper info. In the past few weeks she has had her 4 month appointment (which was horrible...shots are terrible) and her stats are as follows:

25" long
15 lbs.

She has also recently obtained an exersaucer to play in, which keeps her entertained for longer than her bouncy seat does anymore. She just wants to be moving and upright all the time, plus the seat hangs rather low now with her in it. =) However, the seat has been given a new duty (until a high chair finds its way here) as her feeding chair....because....yep, that is right, she is eating rice cereal! AHHH! We wanted to wait until 6 months but she has been showing signs lately of being ready for it, so we decided to try it and she loves it! Her first bit was the store bought stuff but once we realized she was ready and willing we made our way to the food co-op and grabbed a bag of organic brown rice which we blended down into flour. It takes a bit longer to cook than Gerber's instant cereal and has much more texture to it, however, I think both of these things are good. It takes about 10 minutes to make but is loads better for her - no offense to those who feed the instant stuff but dehydrated rice that comes in a box just isn't for us and the texture part will help greatly when introducing new foods to her. To have a bit of texture now (even as watered down with boob milk as the cereal is) will make it so much easier to introduce equally textured foods to her, which will in the long run help with the types of foods we can introduce more easily.

She is still rolling over like a mad woman, although only from back to belly and only one direction. It is making changing her diaper quite interesting as she is constantly trying to turn over. She is really starting to get her knees up under herself when she is on her belly and I have a feeling one of these days she'll be scooting around the rooms....help! All in all she is growing, happy, healthy and absolutely lovely.

Nick has begun his last semester of classes and so far they are going well. He is constantly thinking about the show he will directing this fall and is very excited for it. The discipline is being a bit annoying and not real supportive (although it was expected, sadly) but we're sure that in the end all will go well. His main concern at the moment is trying to get a tech crew all figured out but he has been told he isn't allowed to recruit within the theatre department yet until the discipline fills up their shows...one of which doesn't perform until next February. As far as classes go, all seems to be well. It is basically just needing to finish up the last few credits and not necessarily about loving the classes. We'll check back in on this at a later date to re-examine.

I am enjoying my part-time work at the RFC. It is nice to be out of the house a bit and oddly enough it reminds me very much of my days as a waitress in the early mornings. I've already learned the i.d. numbers of a variety of seniors who come in to swim or do a senior aerobic/yoga class. I've come to learn their personalities and which ones joke with you, which ones are crazy (like the woman who came in the other day in her bathing suit and house robe with one arm in the robe and one arm out...and a straw hat...), which ones are sweet but hard of hearing (like Virgil, a lovely man who never really hears me say hello but always smiles sweetly and waves) and also the ones who are well into their 80s and going strong (like Sheridan, who was born in 1921!). There was also a senior woman who thought the swallows by the front door were attacking her and were sure they were going to bite her. It has been nice to see some of them outside of the RFC and know that they recognize me, and I them, and say hello. I thankfully changed my hours, so instead of working M-Th. 5am-8am, I'm working Monday and Friday 8am-11am and Tuesday /Thursday from 5am-8am. Two days of the early morning is MUCH better than 4. The job isn't much but any extra money is nice and helpful.

We have officially merged our accounts and now have a checkbook that says: Nicholas P. Lostetter and below it: Ashley R. Lostetter. Yay!

We have also been discussing life after Morris. Moving to Oregon has been something we've talking about, more like dreamed about, for the past number of months but the other day we decided that we have no reason not to try it. We want an adventure for ourselves and our daughter and we don't ever want to use her as reason to not try something new. It is going to be a BIG jump for us but one we are ready and willing to make. Our hope is to get out of Morris by the end of December and stay with Mark & Carol (who have wonderfully offered us refuge in their home for awhile) until the weather is nice enough to make the big drive across country. Hopefully by April at the latest we will be Oregonians! We're looking into taking a trip over to the state sometime this fall just to check things out, search out prospective living arrangements, etc. I would ideally like to remain home with Harper but as long as one of us does, I'm fine with it. So if that means I get a full-time job and Nick and part-time while he stays home with her, than so be it. We're really looking forward to it and hope that everything starts falling into place.

Well, Harper is sleeping now and I have a few things I would like to get done around the house, so this will be it for now. Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the beautiful fall weather. (I LOVE fall!) and we'll write again soon.

xoxo
Ashley, Nick, & Harper

A growing girl = a proud mama & papa

2007-08-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

Our sweet baby girl is getting SO big. Today, in a matter of 15 minutes Harper has mastered rolling over from her back to her belly. She has rolled both way before in the past few weeks but nothing to the degree that she did tonight. She just kept going over and over and over. I'd roll her back to her back and in moments she would be again on her tummy. She heard lots of "What a big girl you are!" and "Yay Harper!!" She was so proud of herself with big grins and would smush her face into the floor as if saying "Oh stop...no...tell me more....." But she soon became annoyed that she couldn't get to the toy that was inches away and I have a feeling that she will soon figure out how to scoot.

So holy cow, our daughter is growing up in front of our eyes. I feel like I have already forgotten what she was like as a newborn and it makes me sad. Thank goodness for pictures, although I wish we would have videotaped her more. Her tape jumps from being the hospital to today rolling over. A lot has happened in the past 4 months that hasn't necessary been recorded, except for in our memories and pictures, so I have decided I am going to start a journal for Harper and write in it at least a few times a week so that we all can have something to look back on and read.

Our baby grows. Time continues on. Life is beyond good. There is love in this house all around.

I am a baker & a milk machine. Life is good.

2007-08-20T16:32:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to update here and to get this blog out to friends and family...so today, after I write this I intend to send the address to everyone. So hello to you reading this! I figured this will be a good way to keep up to date on things around here and to share a few pictures.

So here we go with the update:

Obviously, we are married now! Hooray! Things have been wonderful. Married life doesn't feel much different than before except for the excitement to look at one another and say "husband" or "wife". We like that!

Last week I started my new job at the RFC. It is part-time hours that are super early (5am to 8am or 5:30am to 9am) which is a little difficult to get used to but it has already gotten better. Plus, it truly feels good to be up and about. It makes me feel accomplished and not like I'm wasting my day. Plus, I get to use the fitness room for free and I intend to start going 3 to 4 days a week after work. It is also nice to give Nick and Harper the time together in the morning, even if it is mostly just feeding her, it is a very important bonding experience that I know they both are coming to enjoy. If you can imagine, Nick is going to bed before 11pm these days! =)

Speaking of Nick, he is currently at work at the Ranch House. I think he is getting quite bored with it but school starts up here next week and his time will be filled with class as well as home life and work, so it should hopefully break up the time a bit. He is getting very excited for his show this fall and is continually brainstorming about ideas for it. A funny Nick story for you quickly: you all know how he talks in his sleep and often gets up without ever remembering the next morning...well, the other night I came back in from nursing Harper and was hugging my pillow to my chest while I got comfortable when Nick suddenly sat up, looked at me and exclaimed "Holy shit that is a big bag of potato chips!" I was like "Why are you saying holy shit?" and he goes "Well, sometimes I like to swear." To which I laughed at and listened as he said again "That is a lot chips..." I told him to lay down and go to bed, which he did and the next morning he had no recollection of the chip discussion at all. =)

Today I baked delicious dairy free organic blueberry scones. They are wonderful and I feel good knowing that I can bake yummy things that are healthy. I am REALLY looking forward to making Harper's food and cannot wait to give her a good start on yummy, healthy foods. No added sugar or preservatives for this little girl if we can help it! Hello mashed sweet potatoes, avocados and organic brown rice cereal.

I'll leave you with a picture of Harper in her new seat (called a Bumbo) that allows her to sit upright and check out the world. She loves it and it is obvious that she feels like a big girl in it. She turns 4 months old soon (which we cannot believe) and is the most precious thing we could ever imagine. Parenthood suits us well and we are quite smitten with our little girl. She is so lovely!!!

Love to you all. Check back here often because I really hope to keep this going and stay in touch in another way with everyone!

xoxo
Ashley, Nick, & Harper

I'd go the whole wide world just to find her

2007-07-17T21:40:00.001-05:00

I'm watching Stranger Than Fiction, drinking pomegrante juice and watching my tired daughter fight sleep as she swings. Harper and I stopped at the library on our walk this evening and I found a number of good books about knitting. We're going back tomorrow to get them because I forgot my library card today...I'm also going to stop up at the fabric store and see what sort of knitting supplies they may have there.

Before our walk Harper and I sat out on the balcony. I took pictures. She looks absolutely adorable in her BabyLegs...she wears them well.

Nick is at work and we're just waiting for him to return. I had an interview today to work at the RFC and I'm pretty sure they will be hiring me. It would be simple work in the early morning but it would work perfect with our schedules and allow me to stay home with Harper while Nick is at class and work. Not to mention allow Nick some good quality time with her in the morning.

I'm off to oogle at knitting supplies - I cannot wait to start making things. Like a beautiful blanket for Harper, hats for her, etc etc. *sigh* Beautiful yarn - I want some...